Month: November 2017

Ep 25 – Chicas Chat

Chicas Chat is here‼
Chica: n. Spanish word used for badass women you are proud to have in your circle
No Free Drinks is psyched to drop this episode! Listen to our guests Ari @theitis_yall, Jess, and Maddie share their points of view on the real shit that just happens. Lina D and our guests discuss their differing points of view on celibacy, who pays, sex toys, masturbation, basic texting, and more! This is an episode you don’t want to miss.

 

Ep 24 – The First Date Conundrum

Westley opens the episode and goes in on his point of view on who he thinks should be paying for the first date.  Westley’s viewpoint is egalitarian, “in one voice you cannot say you are independent, and in the same breath say that you know your worth and need for a man to pay for you.” Westley does not mind paying, but he won’t buy the argument that he is expected to pay because men typically make more than a woman. That point of view only furthers the reason as to why he says that people should treat each other as equals.

For once Brock and Westley actually disagree on a point of view. Brock thinks that guy always pays on the first date, partly driven because it is expected based on the “who asks pays rule.” Seldom do women ask men on dates, so by default the guy has to pay. Once he is dating someone steady, he doesn’t mind paying for most things but if it is expected that I pay for everything every time then it is a huge turn-off. Brock is more traditional once he is in a relationship where the guy spoils his girlfriend.

Lina D talks about how she has played all sides of the paying spectrum, and her point of view has changed throughout her dating life. Lina D has taken advantage of guys that have the notion that they are expected to pay even though she had no intentions of taking it further. Lina D has accepted the guy paying, but has been playful about it and was upfront about her financial situation. Other times, she has had the conversation to get a sense of whether they are equals and has gladly offered to go dutch without communicating that she wasn’t interested. And another time she was so into the person and the date that she doesn’t even remember who paid for what on the first date, nor did she care. In recent years she’s grown to be more equitable and has left her “he needs to pay expectations” in the dust.

After going through their points of view and debating, the co-hosts go through specific scenarios that are widely discussed on who pays for the first date. This was inspired by the Refinery 29 article, What Millennial Women REALLY Think About Splitting The Check.

 

  1. Scenario 1: One party does all the asking, planning, and paying. Whoever initiated the date should pay
  2. Scenario 2: Splitting the bill is an old-fashioned, chivalrous gesture. Men should always offer to pay the bill. Splitting the bill is a total romance kill. Offering to split the bill is polite, but ultimately he should refuse and pay
  3. Scenario 3: The man always pays
  4. Scenario 4: We both have our own money so we go dutch aka 50/50

 

As they go through these scenarios they also cover the most common unspoken implications that result from the payment actions. When it comes to relationships, there are many ways people approach it, and honestly it comes down to what works for your relationship.

Westley, Lina D, and Brock wanted to make sure that they incorporated other people’s points of view as a wrap for the episode.  They selected a few points of view from this article and have provided a summary below for easy reference.  For the full article, go here.

 

Dating Coach: Modern men should do things old school.

“a man should always pay for dinner and drinks on the first date. This is an attractive gesture, and it will leave the girl’s sense of ‘doing the right thing’ intact.”

Kezia Noble, dating coach and expert,

Sex Blogger: Go 50/50 every time.

“If someone wants a second date they have to pay their share on the first – and let me pay my share too. When guys try to pay it’s often deeply awkward: I offer to pay half, he insists, I get frustrated because I earn my own damn money and I can spend it how I like – then he continues to insist and I feel patronised. Leave expensive treats for when you know each other better.”

The Girl on the Net, London-based blogger and writer on all things sex

Glamour Girl: A man’s gotta spend to impress a girl.

“The man should pay, of course. If I had to pay or go halves, that would put me off a man. I would be like, “What?!””

Danielle Mason, actress, model and TV personality

Porn Star: Insist on going all the way, fellas.

“I think that the girl should always offer to split the bill and the man should insist on paying all of it.”

Harriett Sugarcookie, adult performer, model, lifestyle blogger

The Academic: Don’t try to buy a woman.

“The question of payment on a first [heterosexual] date has its roots in notions of chivalry, which itself is rooted in male economic and social power. Chivalry involves rituals of men treating women with an elaborate regard and politeness, which serves to mask the fact that men dominate the public sphere and have social and economic power over women as a class. I would remind men that women are human beings to be respected, not commodities to be purchased.”

Dr Julia Long, Lecturer in Sociology at Anglia Ruskin University, expert in feminist theory and practice

Ep 23 – Beyond the ‘Kk’

Westley, Lina D, and Brock want to give you useful advice for those moments when dating brings you awkward conversation. This episode is for those people that think they suck at texting, find themselves overthinking text conversations, and have no idea about proper sexting and drunk texting etiquette.

We start out by going through some basic texting principles and critiquing texting interactions that went wrong.  We only focus on three examples but you can find other trainwreck conversations here.  

 

Example 1:

You: Kk have a good night
Him: Haha ‘good’

Evaluation: Dude what are you doing? She was trying to end the conversation on a good note and you went on and made it awkward. This reminded us of when you should start sending “good morning vs. good afternoon vs. goodnight” texts. Timing is important but be prepared to add some value to the conversation i.e. sending a cool article or funny meme, and don’t just text a salutation because some people won’t find it flattering.  

Example 2:

You: How’s your Saturday going? Still hungover?
Him: Nope! Just walking my dog around the park! He loves playing with the other puppies! So excited for brunch later!!!!! **emojis**

Evaluation: In this example, the woman is thinking of writing him off because he is coming off as “overly friendly” and may potentially be gay and extra. Oh please, at this point you are splitting hairs and making something out of nothing. He is simply answering your question. You better go on a date to make sure this is someone you should be really writing off.

Example 3:

He always sends last minute texts to make plan and/or has already cancelled on you a few times.  You aren’t sure if this is someone that is genuinely busy or a potentially huge asshole.

Evaluation: This could actually go both ways and you will need to play the role of detective and pay attention to cues to make the right decision. There are guys out there that are genuinely busy given their jobs and commitments and may not know till the last minute that they are available. If you are interested and are actually available then you should go on the date to rule out whether this is someone you see yourself dating consistently. But Brock does warn that there are some general red flags to look out for, as some guys may just be trying to get in your pants and get some cheeks. Listen to get the full guide on how to deal with this situation.

 

The NFD co-hosts go through some other do’s and don’ts for texting.

  1. Don’t: Start your message with “hey beautiful,” “hey sexy,” or even worse, “hey girl.”
  2. Don’t: Use a stupid pickup line
  3. Don’t: Read too much into it
  4. Don’t: Not say anything
  5. Do: Compliment something specific about my appearance
  6. Do: Try to come up with something witty based off my profile, or point out shit we have in common
  7. Do: Ask me what I’m up to tonight/this weekend

They also touch on response timing rules, tips for keeping the conversation going, and touch on length of the texts.

Lina D does advocate for certain situations where drunk texting can be useful but she gives you a rundown of the do’s and don’ts in this situation. Brock talks about how it should depend on the state of your relationship, whether you are transitioning from flirting/dating to exclusive, considering emotional outpouring, and if you regrets things the next morning.

Sexting- oh man. For this one Brock says to make sure you keep your face out of the nudes you are sending. Lina D does not understand why some dudes are so hesitant about sending dick pics during sexting convos, especially if the woman is asking for one. Brock reveals that he never sends a dick pic, which sends Lina D on a mission to tell women to stop sending nudes if the guy is refusing to send you nudes. Brock disagrees.

Ep 22 – The Porn Identity

The episode kicks off with Westley’s story of how he discovered porn. Lina D shares some of the similarities between her experience and Westley’s before Brock dives into the stats of how much people watch porn.

According to the Esquire article, in 2016, people watched a grand total of 92 billion videos on Pornhub, clocking in 23 billion total visits to the site and 5 billion hours of porn, enough to last over 5,000 centuries. The U.S. was the biggest consumer of porn in the world, with 221 pageviews per person, beating 2015’s 191 views per American. More men watch porn than women, with the stats showing that 90% of men and 40% of women watch porn regularly.

There are many articles that speculate that porn has detrimental effects, but other studies mention that the effects of porn are still undecided. Learn more reading this article. Scientists have started to tease out the effects of porn on the brain but there’s still a lot they don’t understand. For example, they are unsure if there are long-term effects of porn on young viewers. Joseph J. Plaud, a private, clinical forensic psychologist in Boston, Massachusetts, is one of the scientist who has studied the effects of pornography. Some of the interesting points he has found is, “the more you do and the greater degree of access, the more explicit [it is], you seem to need more and more.”

Other studies have found that men who viewed porn tended to hold more egalitarian views about women than did non-porn-using men. Frequent porn users view powerful women, working women and women who have had abortions more favorably than do other men, a study published in August in the Journal of Sex Research found. This is an interesting finding, even though Lina D and Brock found that the methods used to get this conclusion might be questionable.

Lina D then talks about the more popular types of porn watched. Porn hub does a year in review that dives into the global trends of what people have watched.  There is an abridged version here, which is what discussed in the episode. But if you want to see more of the trends, you can access the full report here.

 

For couples who might be interested in watching porn together, Westley and Lina D talk about their experiences watching porn together. They recommend being open in communication about the types of porn you each would be open to watching, and approach it openly. Think of it as a fun experience you can both share. These are some other tips that Westley and Lina D share:

  • Focus on making it sexy for each other, think about how it will bring you closer together or turn you on. Talk to each other about what is turning you on as you watch porn together can also help you stay connected and in tune with each other.
  • Don’t Compare Yourselves to Porn Stars- also as a woman don’t get jealous of the porn star
  • Porn is great to spice things up but keep in mind that it won’t help resolve all your relationship issues on its own.
  • When watching porn with your partner, remember that they can still watch porn on their own. Do not violate your partner’s privacy by checking their porn watching history without them knowing.
  • Don’t watch porn every time you have sex.

Westley, Brock, and Lina D wrap up the episode by calling out some lesser known facts about porn. You can find the full lists here: 25 Shocking Facts and 25 Facts About the Adult Film

  • 20% of American men admit they access pornography at work which coincides with Sex Tracker’s findings of 70% of all internet porn traffic occurring during the work day (9am – 5pm)
  • 10% of adults admit to legitimately have an online porn addiction
  • Porn controls digital media. A great example was VHS. Before everyone was on board with VHS, Betamax was fighting tooth and nail for control. Porn chose to use VHS tapes as its’ main source of distribution and the rest is history. Same can be said for Blu-Ray and HD-DVD. Porn chose the former and now you can buy HD-DVD’s for a dollar.