Month: February 2018

Ep 36 – Black Love

We open this episode talking about our views on why black love is such a big deal to the black community. Representation matters and we can celebrate black love without putting down other relationships.

Role models are important and every community needs role models that can relate to their experience.  Unfortunately, political and social events have impacted the trends we see with black marriage and families. According to a Your Black World article, “only 45% of African-American households have a married couple, a contrast to 70% among Hispanics and 80% for Whites.” They also point out that in 1890, 80% of black households were comprised of both parents.  Over a century down the line, only 40% of African-American children stay in married-couple families.” Who is to blame?

Some perspectives out there are quick to blame the deterioration of black families on black communities themselves. However, we know that there are larger forces at play. The war on drugs and mass incarceration are major culprits.

We also debunk a couple of the myths concerning black marriage.  There is hope ladies! We have often heard, and Maddie has experienced that educated black women have it harder when it comes to finding a spouse. However, the facts show us that if you are educated, then your chances of finding a spouse are higher. According to this article, “among black women, 70% of college graduates are married by 40, whereas only about 60 percent of black high school graduates are married by that age.” The same trend is true for black men. “In 2008, 76% of black men with a college degree married by age 40, but only 63% of black men with just a high school diploma were married.” This data shows that education increases the likelihood of marriage for both African American men and women.

So with that good news, we talk about what black love looks like as depicted by some of our favorite shows growing up. We discuss our favorite memories and scenes from The Cosby Show and Family Matters, and even talk about Black-ish’s Bo and Dre. When it comes to iconic Black Couples we talk Will and Jada, Whitney and Bobby, and Oprah and Stedman. Each of these couples is iconic in their own way and we discuss what their image means for the culture. Of course we couldn’t help ourselves and we also talk black love in the context of the movie Black Panther. Spoiler alert is on deck, but don’t worry, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, we warn you when to stop listening!

Ep 35 – A Side Piece Has No Name

 

We wanted to talk about side pieces because we all hear stories of people not knowing where they stand with the person they are seeing. Most times it is because they are a side piece, but they just don’t know it. As glorified as the side piece culture has grown, many are still oblivious to the rules that come with stepping into that situationship. Part of what we want to achieve with this episode is to outline the red flags that come up when someone is caught in a side piece type of relationship.

We start the episode by sharing the rules of the side piece agreement. We found this article via Huffington Post written by Zondra Hughes, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for The Other Woman. It is a rule book of what to expect as the side piece in a situationship. Although it is originally written as rules for the woman, it can apply to anyone regardless of gender. These are the rules:

  1. You are the other person. This does not mean that you are the only other person. Act accordingly.
  2. Please focus on the stolen moments that we spend together. Do not concern yourself with my whereabouts when we are apart. Frankly speaking, my life outside of our time together is not your concern.
  3. Be comfortable with who you are to me; do not mention my significant other, as that person is not your concern. Do NOT compare yourself to my main partner in any way and do not attempt to contact them — to do so would be a breach of our agreement.
  4. Anticipate frequent changes in our plans; for the most part, a spur of the moment escape is the best that I can do.
  5. You must understand that maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each other’s company is vital to the success of our situationship. No bickering or nagging about promises that I didn’t keep.
  6. We are secret lovers; we can’t blast our situationship to the world. Please don’t tag me on Facebook, and don’t send me invitations to your work/family functions or events. Major holidays — more likely than not — will be missed.
  7. No discussions about “where this situationship is headed.” We are where we will be; together, in this moment. Enjoy it.
  8. Yes, I am still sleeping with my significant other, and we do not use condoms. Again, focus on our time together, and not what I do while we are apart.
  9. I am not interested in bringing a child into our situationship. By the way, an unplanned pregnancy will not force a relationship commitment of any kind from me nor will it guarantee a promotion to main status for you.
  10. There are no guarantees about the outcome of our situationship save one: I am a cheater at heart, and that won’t change unless I want it to. Until that happens, if you are promoted to the main, please know that yet another side piece will fill the vacancy that you’ve left behind.

Maddie, Lina D, and Westley share their points of view on side pieces and discuss the pros and cons of being a side piece. The most frustrating piece for Lina D is that certain people get into these situationships without acknowledging the consequences of the actions.  There is also an assumption that the nature of the relationship with morph into something that it is not.

Maddie talks about the misogyny of the side piece culture, and how “the definition of the side chick is usually dependent on the man’s control – she is the side chick because he has said she is. However, why do his terms and his terms alone get to define the relationship?” There are some interesting points made in this article. We also discuss how men are applauded for getting the girl while only having to deal with her part-time while her main deals with all the “hard” stuff. However, women are criticized for having a side piece.

Make sure you listen to this episode for this juicy conversation piece.

Ep 34 – Lets Talk About Firsts

The episode opens with an introduction of the new No Free Drinks co-host! You have heard them speak before, and they were a fan favorite. We are lucky to have this person back as a full-time co-host. No spoilers here so make sure you listen to the episode. After a re-introduction, our new co-host talks about the reasons they joined No Free Drinks.

And since the release of this episode coincides with Valentine’s Day, Lina D couldn’t help but to spend a little bit of time talking about the Hallmark holiday. Lina D grew up being a fan of el día del amor or the dia of love, and talks about what the day has meant to her. The rest of the NFD crew shares their experiences with Valentine’s Day and their views on the day.

So let’s talk about first dates! What does a first date look like anyway?

So let’s talk about first kisses! Whether you gave or were given the first kiss, it seems to be one of those experiences that can’t be forgotten.

So let’s talk about first time having sex! We save you the details of our experiences, but we do share the interesting stats about how teens are now more responsible when it comes to having sex: You can read the full article by CBS News.

The highlight is that the percentages of teenagers having sex have dropped since 1988. 42% of women aged 15 to 19 report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 51%. 44% of men in the same age group report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 60%. Another interesting point is that very few teens had their first experience of sexual intercourse with someone they “just met.” Only 2 percent of teen girls and 7 percent of teen boys reported doing so. Instead, nearly 75% of women and 51% of men reported that their first partner was someone that they were “going steady” with.

What are some of the factors that have led to more responsible behavior with having sex for the first time? We think it is closely related with how much more open we are as a society now than 20 years ago. But if you compare the U.S. to countries in Europe you will see that the U.S. is still more socially conservative. Being open and talking about sex has tangible benefits and there are places that do it better than the U.S. We highlight some of our favorites, and you can also read more in this article, “5 Countries That Do It Better: How Sexual Prudery Makes America a Less Healthy and Happy Place.”

This article highlights that countries that embrace the things that social conservatives detest- comprehensive sex education, pro-gay legislation, nude or topless beaches, legal or decriminalized prostitution, adult entertainment- tend to be countries that have less sexual dysfunction than the United States. If you compare the sexual attitudes in the United States to sexual attitudes in Western Europe, it becomes evident that there is a strong correlation between social conservatism and higher rates of teen pregnancy, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. More information is in the article but you can find the country highlights we talk about below:

  • Netherlands: Sex education starts at age 4, and it is a part of an educational event called “Spring Fever.” It is a week in primary schools focused on sex ed classes. 4 year olds learn about sexuality, 8 year olds learn about self-image and gender stereotypes, and 11 year olds discuss sexual orientation and contraceptive options.
  • Switzerland: Sex ed starts as early as kindergarten. Children ages 5-13 learn about “good touch/bad touch” and teachers are allowed to answer questions in an age appropriate manner.  From age 13 up the conversation shifts include discussions on the actual act, STI’s pregnancy, etc. Prostitution is legalized and federally regulated; besides your standard escort service and strip clubs there are sex clubs, massage parlors and sex boxes (designated areas where you can drive-in and get serviced)- this is an area where the U.S. has not become progressive.
  • France: In France, sex education has been part of school curricula since 1973. Schools are expected to provide 30 to 40 hours of sex education, and pass out condoms, to students in grades 8 and 9. In January 2000, the French government launched an information campaign on contraception with TV and radio spots and the distribution of five million leaflets on contraception to high school students.
  • Germany: As a country, they support comprehensive sex-ed programs, legal prostitution and same-sex civil unions before legalizing gay marriage in July of 2017. Sex ed classes can start as early as when the child is 5 years old (Berlin), some will wait a little longer starting in the 1st grade but at 8-9 years old, all children will have started the classes. They cover the process of growing up, bodily changes during puberty, emotions involved, the biological process of reproduction, sexual activity, partnership, homosexuality, unwanted pregnancies and the complications of abortion, the dangers of sexual violence, child abuse, and sex-transmitted diseases. It is comprehensive enough that it sometimes also includes information on sex positions and the correct usage of contraception.

Let’s talk about other firsts! The NFD co-hosts share stories on their first time having an orgasm, first time buying a sex toy, and first oral experiences- giving and receiving.

Ep 33 – Dating Apps In Color

We have talked about dating, dating apps, but we haven’t specifically talked about how race or ethnicity plays a role in dating. Many people claim to be open minded about who they choose to date, but a view of OkCupid’s dating stats tell a different story. We dive into the story behind the numbers.

OkCupid has released United States based dating statistics by race.  This is based on their user base. You can find more details in the article here. We have all heard and seen cases where dating apps aren’t friendly to people of color and that finding the right match isn’t easy. There are some interesting trends if we compare 2009 to 2014. Reference the exhibits in the link above and find the 2009 chart labeled “OkCupid QuickMatch Scores.” There is a second chart with the same title for 2014.

First Westley and Brock go into the details of 2009:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women first and then White women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally
  • Latino men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • White men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • All men ranked Black women as least desirable

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women prefer White men first and then Asian men
  • Black women prefer Black men first, then White men
  • Latina women prefer Latino men first, then White men
  • White women prefer like White men first, then Latino men

Then we reviewed the trends in 2014:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women, then White women and now also consider dating Latina women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally, and now also consider dating Black women
  • Latino men reversed order and now prefer Latina women first, then Asian women, and then White women
  • White men reversed their top two and prefer Asian women first, then White women, and then Latina women
  • When it comes to men from other races/ ethnicities, they ranked Black women as their least preferred

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women reversed and now prefer Asian men, then White men
  • Black women prefer Black men only
  • Latina women prefer Latino men, then White men
  • White women prefer White men, then Latino men
  • Women’s racial preferences have gotten stronger since 2009- as in they are less likely to be open to date races and ethnicities different from their own.

Lina D, Westley, and Brock discuss their theories on why they think this trend has happened. Lina D goes into male privilege being a factor since women have to think about the situations they place themselves with dating and if they haven’t been explosed to other ethnicities growing up or they are not a part of their friendship cirlces- then they are less likely to feel safe surrounding themselves with diverse men when it comes to dating.

A note as you are reading these tables, the values in these tables are “preference above/below vs. the average.” Think of them as how people weigh race in deciding attraction. So, for example, latina women find latino men 18% more desirable than the average man.

Westley, Brock, and Lina D discuss what these trends say about dating for people of color.

The stats above make us think about the power of having apps that are specifically targeting communities of color. If people are already self selecting in the mainstream apps, would they have better results in finding their match on apps that cater to a specific ethnic group? We talk through some of the apps for people of color that are out there. And you can also read this great article to get another point of view. Between Westley, Brock, and Lina D there isn’t a wide spread use of the apps targeting people of color but Westley does share an interesting story about his experience with SoulSwipe. The other apps we talk about are: Bae, Meld, and MiCrush.

Since it seems that ultimately, people of color have a much smaller pool to choose from for dating, Brock talks about how he has opted to be more proactive about swiping when he is traveling abroad. Based on his experience, Brock gives his advice on what country you should be swiping in if you want to meet more diverse and open minded people. Brock’s advice is to go where your background and ethnicity is seen as unique. In his experience, those homogenous cultures reward being different unlike the U.S. In his last episode, Brock talks about his experience on dating apps in Zagreb, Croatia; Mexico City, Mexico; and all-inclusive resorts/cruises. He does warn you to do your research on the resort or cruise you select as lots are heavily skewed towards family and/or couples.

Lina D talks about the openness of men approaching her abroad vs. the U.S. and Westley has found that more women liked his profile while he was abroad than in the U.S.

The No Free Drinks co-host thank Brock for having played a role in starting the podcast and wish him luck in his future projects!