Month: April 2018

Ep 44 – Get That Equal Pay!

This is a calling to all the women who work hard and take pride in their professional accomplishments. This week’s episode commemorates Equal Pay Day which took place on April 10th in the U.S. Advocacy should happen throughout the year, and you are accountable for your pay everyday. Listen to this episode to learn more about resources and tips to make sure you get your equal pay!

What is Equal Pay Day? It is a day meant to show how far into the year women must work to earn what men earned in the previous year.  The actual day varies depending on the year and the country. Germany is another country who celebrates the day. It might seem that acknowledging that women are not being paid equally for equal work is no cause for celebration, but by spreading awareness of the issue then we can collectively and individually take action.

This year, the day took place on April 10th. And a new addition for this year, is laying out equal pay days by ethnicity. See below for the days:

February 22, 2018 Asian American women’s Equal Pay Day

April 10, 2018 All women’s Equal Pay Day

April 17, 2018 White women’s Equal Pay Day

August 7, 2018 Black women’s Equal Pay Day

September 27, 2018 Native women’s Equal Pay Day

November 1, 2018 Latinas’ Equal Pay Day

We referenced percentages on the episode and we obtained that data from the Vox article: The Gender and Racial Wage Gap

White Men $22 100%
White Women $18 81%
Black $14 64%
Latina $12 55%

We talk about the American Association of University Women founded in 1881 and their mission to advance equity for women and girls through advocacy, education, philanthropy, and research. Check them out for some good educational resources including how you can find out the gender pay gap in your state.  The interactive map helps you find out the strength of the equal pay laws in the state of interest. We talked about the highest gaps:

  1. Louisiana- 70%
  2. Utah- 70%
  3. West Virginia- 72%

And where we have made some progress but are not there yet:

  1. New York- 89%
  2. California- 88%
  3. Florida- 87%

We go through our experiences and highlight actions so that you can take ownership for narrowing your pay gap. We cover the topics below and more. Make sure you listen to this episode!

  • Take a negotiation course
  • Do your research-Maddie- starts from the initial interview not even at the negotiating table- glassdoor; salary.com; etc
  • Quantify your value

 

Ep 43 – Dating Alphabet Soup

 

Dating trends continue to get interesting and in this episode we discuss the latest alphabet soup for 2018. In case you still might be catching up with catfishing and ghosting, don’t worry, we also have a recap of the top 2017 dating happenings. You will want to get familiar with these terms- so that you can spot and avoid them- you don’t want to get caught in these situations willingly.

Ghosting is so 2017, it’s 2018 and with that comes even more dating behaviors to look out for as you continue or embark on your search for bae. This as an educational episode and we will introduce a few words you may have not heard, and give examples of what behavior comes attached. Even if you are thinking no strings attached is your game, being in the know doesn’t hurt. Remember, we want you to be successful on your dating journey. Success doesn’t happen overnight so a check in is always welcomed.

We kick off the episode by giving a recap of the 2017 trends.  When we first started No Free Drinks, we dedicated an entire episode on ghosting. If you still have questions on what that is make sure you check it out: Episode 3, Casper the Friendly Ghoster. Another big one last year was breadcrumbing, which is “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e breadcrumbs’) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.” Maddie shares her stories of being both a victim and a perpetrator. And one that continues to be a repeat offender- phubbing. This funny word refers to ignoring your date or partner so you can look at your phone. Terrible behavior-  but Lina D is definitely guilt of this one and she shared how it can have an impact on your budding and long term relationship. Poor Westley was a victim here…

Now that you are caught up, we can move on to the “newer” trending behaviors on the dating scene. You have been warned that these are not behaviors you should be seeking so listening and reading will help you avoid wasting time on dates that will go nowhere.

First one up is flexting and this is when someone pads their dating profile by inflating who they actually are with the goal to impress the person who will eventually accept a date with them. Flexting takes place before you meet the first time so try not to quickly fall for what you read on the profile- temper your expectations and get the real story on the date. According to Plenty Of Fish 47% of singles have been “flexted.”

Cricketing is when someone deliberately leaves a text message on “read” for la really long time for no reason. For those of you with Cricket phone service, you are no longer allowed to blame your phone company.

Whoever thought ghosting would evolving into other forms?! We definitely didn’t think these would become a thing but ghostbusting and hauntings are now on the list. When your ghosting victim isn’t getting the hint, guess what they are ghostbusting. And a haunting happens when someone refuses to let a person go on social media even after the encounter has been confirmed dead i.e. that person you ghosted is only pretending to have gotten the message. But be warned this also happens with relationships!

Lastly, fauxbae’ing is when a single person pretends to have a partner on social media, and a word that Lina D seriously butchers.

Ep 42 – Its a Numbers Game

In this episode we have fun with numbers and share our points of view on various topics in dating, relationships, and sex that touch an arithmetic. Math wasn’t your favorite subject? No problem! We still want you to listen and share what you think.

Do you think dating is a numbers game? The co-hosts have a conversation on their points of view. Lina D talks about how dating apps have made it super easy to connect with people and makes it so much easier to fall into a trap of just going on dates to go on dates. Maddie talks about how to hack online dating, a TED talk that highlights how dating is a numbers game.

Are there any rules you have for yourself that are tied to a magic number? The co-hosts talk about their own rules, and we would love to hear yours.

Do you have any number related topics that are off limits to discussion with a partner? We talk about body count, number of exes, and length of relationships.

Lastly we talk about how numbers shouldn’t be used to determine someone’s value.

Ep 41 – Me Too: No More Domestic Violence

The next episode of our Me Too series is here. The beginning of this year has highlighted that domestic violence is sadly still plaguing homes. We wanted to talk about the different ways domestic violence takes a toll on homes and individuals and highlight how pervasive of an issue this is across society.

We reference a video and a movie in this episode, if you listened and want to check it out, the links to view it or learn more are here:

What Would You Do – Domestic Violence and Abuse in PUBLIC! (Social Experiment)

Crazy in Alabama

 

We open the episode by discussing the different types of domestic violence and sharing some of our experiences.

The different types of abuse:

  • Physical: You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse
  • Emotional: You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through
  • Sexual:  Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:
  • Reproductive: Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
  • Financial: Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner
  • Digital: Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

 

We found a visual that helps understand the various dimensions of abuse and how someone could be experiencing either one or more types at the same time. Visit the link to learn more.

We take a look at domestic violence trends:

  • Globally, men who are exposed to domestic violence as children are 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate acts of domestic violence as adults than men who weren’t.
  • Homicide is one of the leading causes of death for women aged ≤44 years.* In 2015, homicide caused the death of 3,519 girls and women in the United States. Rates of female homicide vary by race/ethnicity (1), and nearly half of victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner

We also cover off on some of the biased points of view that are held when it comes to domestic violence:

  • Societies willful ignorance: “It’s understandable what she means there, but perhaps it’s time our society started to think of physical abuse, possessiveness and men’s entitlement to act in those ways toward women as terroristic, violent and radical.”
  • Men are victims too: We found how limited resources are for men that have experienced domestic violence. There are a lot of staggering facts, and we spend time talking about this topic because it is important to note that domestic violence can impact anyone and all victims should all be able to get help. Read more here. We highlighted the ones we found most surprising below.
  • Almost half (48.8 percent) of all men have dealt with some sort of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. This number is equal to women at 48.4 percent.
  • Nearly 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner to the point they were scared for their life or safety or the lives or safety of loved ones.
  • An estimated 10.4 percent or approximately 11.7 million men in the U.S. have reported having an intimate partner get or attempt to get pregnant when the male partner didn’t agree to it.
  • About 2 in 5 gay and bisexual men will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

It is important to know that you can get help, and as someone that wants to make a change, know you can also donate your time to help others.

  • There are national and local organizations to get help if you or someone you know are victims of domestic violence
  • If you’re not most of these organizations are always looking for volunteers or donations so if you have the time please give your time or money

Ep 40 – No Means No

What role does the incident involving Aziz Ansari and Grace play in the #MeToo movement? Now that the story has been out for a few weeks the No Free Drinks crew revisits this controversial topic and peels back the different layers that contributed to what occurred. At the center, the words “no means no” and the acknowledgement of these words holds the key to preventing situations like this to happen.

“The worst night of my life,” assault, bad date- are some of the many references that have been used to describe the story published by babe.net. There are many different angles to discuss and this episode is meant to talk about the deeper points that are highlighted by this incident. We will go through the different events of the night, discuss our points of view, and ultimately dissect how interactions when dating and different ways of communicating can lead to confusion that could result in someone getting hurt.

Let’s talk about Aziz, below is a word for word recap of the events of the night that we think are important to talk about:

The story of Grace:

  • Where the first red flag was: In a second, his hand was on my breast.” Then he was undressing her, then he undressed himself. She remembers feeling uncomfortable at how quickly things escalated.
  • When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” She says he then resumed kissing her, briefly performed oral sex on her, and asked her to do the same thing to him. She did, but not for long. “It was really quick. Everything was pretty much touched and done within ten minutes of hooking up, except for actual sex.”
  • “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”
  • she says she used verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was. “Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,” she said. “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”
  • “I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said.
  • At this point she thought the sexual encounter was over
  • “He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable.”
  • “He [made out] with me again and says, ‘Doesn’t look like you hate me.’”
  • ‘How about we just chill, but this time with our clothes on?’”
  • “I remember saying, ‘You guys are all the same, you guys are all the fucking same.’”
  • He hugged her and kissed her goodbye, another “aggressive” kiss.
  • “I cried the whole ride home. At that point I felt violated. That last hour was so out of my hand.”

The sequence of these events led to various conversations and revealed different points of view.  This articlefrom the Lily does a good job of exploring different points of view. Maddie, Westley, and Lina D picked the ones that resonated the most with them and discuss.

 

  1. Erica Linebacker Hoffmeister: “I do think there’s a place for this experience in a DIFFERENT conversation. How women feel like we owe men something sexually, how elusive consent can feel, how strange it is we sometimes lose our confident voices in sexual situations, how complex sex is emotionally even when we go in with different expectations … all of those issues deserve a platform in the feminist discussion. I can relate. And it’s problematic and f — ked up. But this is an account of a gross, regrettable situation that could have turned out terrible. This particular account is not ASSAULT. How can we find our voices as women, and become sexually positive and confident, and STOP sexual assault with accusations like these that minimize and trivialize the whole movement and bring us steps backward?”
  2. Quinn Biscoff: “I think it opens up important discussions that men need to listen more and women need to talk more. A massive cultural change is hopefully taking place.
  3. Anita Cake: “To me, a large degree of assault is about intent. Did Aziz intend to hurt this girl or was he genuinely not picking up on her nonverbal cues? Should he be punished for what he did or be allowed to learn from it? That’s where I’m stuck.”
  4. Brittany Cliffe: “She refused him multiple times, both verbally and physically showing her discomfort, and he continued to pursue her and physically touch her. He did not ask for consent (other than ‘Where should I f — k you?’), and she never gave consent to any of those actions. THAT’S ASSAULT. … Coercion is NOT consent.”

As we continue the conversation we come to a controversial but important question, “does no ever NOT mean no?” Examples are cited by men and women alike where there is an element of playing hard to get. We also discuss Maddie’s story with Jim and the fine lines that exist between persistence and harassment.

We had so much to talk about in this episode and we went longer than we were anticipating. We will be releasing another episode in the future to talk about toxic masculinity and what we need to do better to avoid these situations.