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Ep 2 – Pura Vida: Rethinking Work-Life Balance

Pura Vida: Rethinking Work-Life Balance

Episode Description:

In this episode we dissect the concept of work-life balance and provide our tips for achieving healthy balance and working smarter in corporate America. If you haven’t heard the term “Pura Vida” it is a way of thinking embraced in Costa Rica, and it refers to having a perspective to life that evokes a spirit that is laid back and optimistic. Take that concept and apply it to how you view your work life and we start moving in a direction that is healthier and more productive.

 

According to Wikipedia, work-life balance is the concept that an individual needs to balance time allocated for work and other aspects of life. Areas of life other than work-life can be, but not limited to personal interests, family and social or leisure activities.

We talk about the different areas that impact work and personal life from our experiences, and we also look at general trends in the U.S.

If you didn’t know, there are studies that look into high level trends in the workplace.  We looked at Gallup’s State of the American Workplace 2017, and according to that study, 53 percent of employees say that it is “very important” for them to have a role that allows them to have greater work-life balance and better personal well-being. While that may sound like a good stat, you have to wonder, why don’t more people value better balance?

We answer that question throughout this episode and come to the conclusion that a piece of it is due to generational differences. Generations that came prior to the millennial workforce, came up the ranks and worked in environments where long work hours were the norm. Priorities have shifted and the younger generations are looking for more balance and shifting how they think about work and life.

Below are some of the areas we discuss.  We give tips to those that feel like navigating a well balanced life and career is difficult to pursue in practice.  

  • Kids v. No Kids: parents aren’t the only people that need flexible working arrangements. Those of us without kids want it too!
  • Leaving Vacation on the table (AKA why aren’t you going on vacation?!?!): Project Time-Off’s 2017 Under-Vacationed America Report found that 54 percent of Americans did not use all their vacation time- 662 million vacation days went unused. As active workforce members, it is up to us to place the intended value on vacation time and take vacation. Those that don’t prioritize taking vacation are contributing to work cultures where work supersedes time off.
  • Dads are entitled to Paternity leave: Regardless of how dads were classified (as “egalitarian, divided or traditional” in their parenting role) in the 2017 Boston College Center for Work & Family’s Study: The New Dad: The Career-Caregiving Conflict, researchers found that ALL working dads want more time with their children.  And that is across all generations, from Millennials to Gen X to Baby Boomers.
  • The Millennials Workforce: the 2017 Deloitte Millennial Survey found that 82 percent of those taking the survey expressed a positive impact on overall wellbeing, health and happiness, and an 81 percent impact on their productivity when their employer fosters an environment of flexibility.

 

Want more reading material?

 

The Evolving Definition of Work-life Balance

Where Trends Need to be Going at a Faster Speed Work-Life balance is a myth

The most compelling work life balance trends in the US so far (2017)

Ep 1 – Woke In Review

Episode 1: Woke in Review

In the first episode of Bold & Bawdy we talk about the importance of staying woke, especially in today’s America. Trump’s coming into the presidency has awaken and embolden the spirit of racism in this country. We take a walk through the history of oppression that blacks have faced and highlight many of the events that are oddly similar to what is happening today in 2018.  

 

So what is woke?

Staying woke comes from “stay awake,” and it means to stay informed of the shitstorm going on in times of turmoil and conflict, specifically on occasions when the media isn’t focusing on the real issues.

We did some research to give you a recap of the history of systemic injustices and America’s commitment to keeping racism alive. It is said that “America’s original sin is racism.” The history of blacks in America started with slavery, followed by Jim Crow laws, then segregation, and then to today’s not-so-invisible hands guiding housing and education policy, the wage gap, health disparities, how banks give loans. And we can’t forget police brutality, food insecurity and disinvestment in black and brown communities. You can read this article about overt racism.

In history, the most overt acts of racism happened during the Jim Crow era (1877- 1950’s)

Lynching was a socially acceptable way to resolve anything and everything whites were angry about in relation to the free blacks. In the south, people were blaming their financial problems on the newly freed slaves that lived around them. From 1882-1968, 4,743 lynchings occurred in the United States, these are only the recorded numbers but we know that many were never recorded. You can read more in this NAACP article.

Another act of overt racism was the Race Riots. They are described as a “pattern of racial violence” that emerged in which white mob assaults were directed against entire Black communities. They were caused by a great number of social, political and economic factors. Joseph Boskin, author of Urban Racial Violence observed that there were certain general patterns in the major twentieth century race riots, we summarize them below and you can access the original article here for more.

  1. In each of the race riots, with few exceptions, it was white people that sparked the incident by attacking Black people.
  2. In the majority of the riots, some extraordinary social condition prevailed at the time of the riot: prewar social changes, wartime mobility, post-war adjustment, or economic depression.
  3. The majority of the riots occurred during the hot summer months.
  4. Rumor played an extremely important role in causing many riots. Rumors of some criminal activity by Blacks against whites perpetuated the actions of white mobs.
  5. The police force, more than any other institution, was invariably involved as a precipitating cause or perpetuating factor in the riots. In almost every one of the riots, the police sided with the attackers, either by actually participating in, or by failing to quell the attack.
  6. In almost every instance, the fighting occurred within the Black community.

 

The importance of social media

“Historians of the 1960s talk about how the media of the time helped establish a “new common sense” about race in America. I think the new common sense being established now is that   racism and the struggle against it do not exist somewhere in the distant past; racial activism didn’t end after King and the Black Panther Party. Technology has helped make today’s struggle feel both different from and continuous with the civil rights era. All the terror and greatness we associate with that moment is right in front of our faces, as near to us as our screens.” You can read more in the Wired article.

We talk about the role that social media plays today in allowing us to stay informed and how it is an effective way to stay connected to the cause. It also provides a platform to expose those that are racist.

 

Things we need to stay woke about in 2018

We wrap up the episode by highlighting many of the areas that should be on your stay woke list.

Immigration

  • ICE scandals including the arrest of 2 American women for speaking spanish in public and the 1500 undocumented children that are unaccounted for since they were taken in from the border

Wypipo

  • So we just calling cops on everyone?

Nationwide trend of police militarization

  • Images on the news of police wearing helmets and masks, toting assault rifles, and riding in mine-resistant armored vehicles are not isolated incidents
  • Unjust killings of black people by police should have been enough to prompt significant, nationwide reforms years ago. But it hasn’t been enough. Read more here.

Ep 0 – Meet Bold & Bawdy

This is our intro episode. We keep it short and sweet and introduce ourselves and what you can expect from Bold & Bawdy. If you haven’t listen to us before come and get a taste of our personalities, meet Maddie, Lina D, and Westley.

Ep 50 – Season Finale

The series finale of No Free Drinks is here! In this episode we recap all of our favorite moments, topics, episodes, and listener comments. In true NFD style, we keep it real and stay telling em why we mad! Don’t forget we will be back next week, same place, same time with the season premiere of Bold & Bawdy.

Ep 49 – The Goal Diggers

Changes are coming! In our episode last week we gave a preview of some of the changes that are coming for the podcast. Now we dive into more details and reveal what to expect in the coming weeks. Consider this our unveiling episode. To make sure you walk away with something of value we walk through the changes using the goal setting process we used to determine our new path. We talk about how to set goals and hold yourself accountable so that you can make progress.

What is a goal setting process? It is when you set goals & check in to make sure you are actually making progress.
We talk about the goal setting process we used to evaluate the direction of No Free Drinks.

Goal 1: Build a podcast called No Free Drinks started as “Not Your Ordinary Dating Podcast” where we wanted to challenge societal norms and expectations that are placed on men and women when it comes to dating, relationships, and sex.
Our evaluation: We invested in ourselves and the podcast to build our expertise. We went to Podcast Movement, Podcaster Meetups, and NY Sex Expo. When we evaluated the areas that we have expertise on to credibly speak on the podcast, we concluded that by focusing only on the dating, relationships, sex we were limiting ourselves. We can bring more value to our listeners if we expand the scope of what we talk about.
Takeaways: Define what you want to do and commit to it. Invest in yourself so that you are prepared to bring the goal into fruition.

Goal 2: Create an inclusive and safe space to drive meaningful conversations that introduce different perspectives
Our evaluation: As the podcast grew we wanted to have other conversations that didn’t fit into the sex, dating, relationship buckets- which is why we started talking about mental health and the Me too movement. These were topics that were meaningful to us but live outside of the topic areas we had defined for ourselves. We had a goal to be the experts in dating, relationships, and sex but we took a step back and realized that we have experiences and stories that go beyond the buckets we had predefined for the podcast. As we evaluated this goal we realized that we had grown beyond the scope we had defined for ourselves and if we were going to truly foster an inclusive environment we needed to present ourselves in a way where we were bringing all of ourselves into the conversations. We felt like we were missing the mark because we wouldn’t speak on certain topics because they didn’t fully fit with dating, relationships, and sex but they were important to us. By expanding the topics we speak to we are also empowered to spend more time fostering the conversations and interacting with other podcasters.
Takeaways: Assess your goals and don’t be afraid to re-evaluate them and change direction.

Goal 3: Build a brand that is known for challenging the norms when it comes to dating, relationships, and sex. We want people to know what we stand for and is it obvious to everyone else on first glance.
Our evaluation: When we ask, “what do we want you to walk away with when you interact with us” we saw that No Free Drinks wasn’t fully capturing the essence of who we are. So to hold ourselves accountable to achieving our goals, we are going to change our name to better capture who we are, introducing
Bold and Bawdy
Definition according to webster:
bold: adjective a: fearless before danger: intrepid b: showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit bawdy: adjective a. obscene, lewd b. boisterously or humorously indecent
Takeaways: Set a goal, evaluate, and if you are falling below expectations, there is no shame in re-establishing and changing direction. Don’t think you are starting over- you have already made progress, it’s worse to give up completely.

Do you have trouble setting goals and holding yourself accountable?.
Here is our checklist for helping you set realistic goals and holding yourself to them:
How do you bring your vision to life so that you can connect with the direction you need to go to?
These tools help: vision boarding, soul searching, journaling, self reflection
Start with developing SMART goals that will help you bring your vision to life- this is a tool we have used in the workplace and is effective when thinking about your personal goals
Specific (simple, sensible, significant).
Measurable (meaningful, motivating).
Achievable (agreed, attainable).
Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).
Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).
Have milestones: these help you break up all your goals into manageable bite sizes and keeps you on track
Have check points: these are meant to track your progress as you work towards your milestones. It makes it easy for you to stay accountable.
Communicate: share out with your team, advocates, etc. on where you are. This is also a good time to take a step back and see if your progress is in line with that big picture strategy you set in the beginning.

Ep 48 – Inglorious Infidelity

In this episode, the co-hosts share their plans for the future of No Free Drinks. Some exciting changes are coming, and we want to keep our listeners in the know so that you can continue to listen and contribute to the conversation. We value the loyalty of our listeners! Thinking about the concept of loyalty inspired us to cover infidelity. We talk about cheating trends, the different types of cheating, and our thoughts on whether there is coming back from infidelity in a relationship.

We open this episode with with giving listeners an update of where we are going with the direction of the podcast. Here is the sneak peek, we plan to release more information in the coming weeks starting with our next episode.

  • We will be shifting to a seasonal podcast model with biweekly episode releases.
    • Why: This will give us more time to engage with the community and push the conversation further
  • We will expand the breadth of topics we cover.
    • Why: We enjoy developing content for our listeners and our voices don’t want to stay contained to only cover topics that touch dating, relationships, and sex.
  • We will be renaming the podcast & will announce the new name in our episode releasing on May 30, 2018.
    • Why: The new name will bring to life how our brand is evolving and better capture the essence of the direction we want to go in the future.

We plan to share more information in next week’s episode but we did want to start having this conversation with our listeners now because we value you and your listenership. The last thing we want to do is surprise you in a way that makes you feel betrayed or that we didn’t bring you along our journey.

The topic of loyalty inspired this week’s episode topic: cheating

The definition of cheating according to Webster: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice; to be sexually unfaithful

infidelity

a : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : disloyalty

b : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner

The trends when it comes to cheating:

  1. Female infidelity has increased 50% and is rapidly approaching the rate of male infidelity.
  2. Internet-assisted infidelity is now responsible for ⅓ of all divorces
  3. Workplace infidelity is on the Rise.

We discuss the 3 types of cheating. We referenced this article to get a sense of what actions are captured in the different types of cheating.

  1. Emotional cheating refers to a situation where one of the individuals in a relationship has a friendship where the nature of that friendship is inappropriate. Although they may “just friends” there is sexual tension involved. You consider this friend to be a confidant and will discuss intimate and confidential information about your relationship and seek advice and support from them.
    • Characteristics of emotional cheating:
      • Falling in love with someone else
      • Looking forward to spend more time with the friend than the person you are in a relationship with
      • You seek them out so they can distract you from the issues you are having in your relationship
      • You start to think of the friend as someone that you can’t live without
  2. Physical cheating: becoming physically involved with another person
    • Characteristics of physical cheating:
      • Touching, kissing, sex with someone that isn’t your partner
  3. Energetic Cheating: Is also called micro-cheating and Lina D calls this White Cheating- most people would say this isn’t cheating but then would be embarrassed to admit to their partner that it has happened. Think of how you feel when you tell a white lie. We also found this article that talks more about the micro-cheating trend.
    • Characteristics of energetic cheating:
      • Having Inappropriate thoughts about being with other people
      • Fantasizing about other people as you are sleeping with your partner.
      • Going to places, knowing that the other person you are sexually attracted to, will be there.
      • Stalking someone that you have a sexual interest in on social media and liking their posts
      • Sliding in someone’s DM with the intent to flirt and push to see if they are interested in you as well
      • Purposely trying to fill an emotional void with someone else’s presence
    • Some items that people consider energetic cheating but we disagree with:
      • Watching porn (especially if you’re partner doesn’t know about it)
      • Masturbating about someone other than your partner

The co-hosts share their points of view and some of their other experiences with cheating. They wrap up the episode by discussing situations where cheating can be forgiven in a relationship and when it is a dealbreaker.

Ep 47 – Down In The Office

Office hookups- some people think they are no big deal, but others will tell you that they always end in disaster. In this week’s episode we talk about the dangers of office hookups and we have a juicy story to share.

Disclaimer: There are a lot of sides to office romance conversation but in this episode we focus on hookups only as these can happen by “accident” if you aren’t careful.

We kick off this episode going through some of the surprising statistics related to office romance. You can check them out in this Business Insider article. 36% of people have had a random office hookup. That is a lot in our book! We share what we think when it comes to shitting where you eat:

  • Maddie: Unless you’re a temp or planning on leaving the company AND industry I’d say don’t even consider it
    • As people of color in particular when it comes to career it’s such a small world that the bad decisions from happy hour will follow you longer than you think
    • Boundaries are hella important; you know your level of hoe-dom- don’t push it by flirting or being playful if you know you’d smash the second they seem down
  • Lina D: Always a bad idea- office culture doesn’t ever allow for things to be private.
    • As a woman you have to be even more careful, men are celebrated for their sexcapades at work but women can have a harder time recovering
    • Office vagina/ penis- do you really want to be the next person at the office that slept with that same person?
  • Westley: No….Not messing with my money, and I definitely don’t shit where i eat…not trying to be the gossip of the workplace, and not trying to get fired

Ladies & Gentlemen, Story time is here! (Note this is abridged, you will want to listen to the episode to get the full scoop.)

First off let’s start by saying this: the main character in this story, Tracy (names have been changed to protect identities) is scared of and refuses to get tested. Now here is where the story takes a twist. He hooks up with all the Tinderellas out there without using condoms and has hooked up with five other women at work also unprotected. Of course there is going to be drama but this workplace has a zero tolerance policy on workplace romances. There is proof that people have been fired in the past for violating the policy.

We close the episode with our advice to our listeners, here is a short list: STIs are real, don’t expect special treatment if you engage in office hookups, and brace for defamation of character.

Recommended Fun Read from Cosmo!

Ep 46 – Down With The Patriarchy

This isn’t the first time we talk about the #MeToo movement and women’s empowerment, but it is the first time that we take on the patriarchy. Is this episode we clearly define the word and provide examples of what you can be doing to deconstruct the long standing system.

What is the basic definition of the patriarchy?  This site gives us a great definition and framework that we used to guide our discussion. The patriarchy “is generally not an explicit ongoing effort by men to dominate women. It is a long-standing system that we are born into and participate in, mostly unconsciously.”

Below you can find the defnition and framework we used in the beginning of the episode:

  1. Male dominated
  2. Organized around an obsession with control
  3. Male identified  
  4. Male centered

 

We talk through some examples where women are challenging the status quo and making progress:

  1. Male domination: men often occupy the most important and visible roles such as executives, politicians, public leaders. But 2016 saw an Influx of women in politics. We talk about the example of Emily’s List, the largest national organization devoted to electing female candidates. They reported that in the 10 months before the election in 2016, about 1,000 women contacted her organization about running for office or getting involved in other ways. Since the election the number has exploded to more than 22,000.
  2. Trends that start to challenge the definition of the “traditional” home. Social structures have created a view of the home where the man is the main breadwinner while the woman stays at home to raise the children. Over the years there has been a significant increase in the number of stay at home dads- its doubled since 1989. You can read more in this article from Pew Social Trends.

It takes time to challenge the social structures that people have grown up with in order to make a change, it is going to require more than just one conversation. Although we know that there is value in having the conversations, the next step is to think about how you can play a role in taking action. We shift to talk about specific examples of how the the patriarchy has come to life in our experiences and discuss some of the things we can do to challenge the status quo. Lina D and Maddie talk about their experiences in the workplace. And we reference an example from @2wokegurlspodcast.

What will you do to take down the patriarchy?

Ep 45 – That’s What I Like

It’s been a minute, but we finally bring you another listener inspired episode. We wanted to continue the conversation that started in our preview post for Ep. 42- It’s a Numbers Game on instagram. What is the difference between preferences and body shaming? Join the conversation!

In this listener inspired episode we talk about the differences between body shaming and preferences. Here is the backstory: in Episode 42: It’s a Numbers Game we talked about various dating and sex topics that have something to do with numbers. Our preview inspired a conversation on instagram, you can check it out here. We have posted a portion of the comments below too.

@Theearthmomma: I think shaming men for their dick size is the equivalent of body shaming women. There’s such a double standard when it comes to this. Men need to step it up and learn how to please women in different ways other than intercourse, AND women need to step it up and demand better lovers and stop letting toxic masculinity inside of their yonis. Accepting drunken insecure men inside of us is allowing men to be weak lovers. No more faking it when it really doesn’t feel good. No more douche bags. Women have the power to force men to step up their character. Another topic you guys have brought up that seems funny on the surface but really has way more depth to climb in to

@_nofreedrinks: @theearthmomma thanks so much for your comment! You are right that this topic has a lot more layers than we speak to in this episode. I’ve hadn’t thought about shaming dick size as the equivalent of body shaming for women. I appreciate you adding that perspective because it’s true- focusing on size is another way to objectify. I agree on your point completely about women stepping up and demanding more and not settling. -Lina D

@tone__da: @theearthmomma I agree with you but it’s good to bring to light what some women do see as a requirement. It’s not right but it’s reality too.

@Alastaircunning: @theearthmomma Body shaming is obviously bad. But expressing a physical preference in a sexual partner is not inherently shaming to those who aren’t endowed with that preference. And it need not be objectifying to the fortunately endowed person either. Treat everyone like a full subjectively experiencing human being, not just a means to an end but an end in themselves, and express any preference with due sensitivity to those who don’t measure up and I think we in the ethical clear. After all, encouraging women to suppress a legitimate sexual preference is hardly a healthy way to go either…

 

Before we dive into the conversation in the episode we define a couple of the words that are used a lot but are seldom fully understood:

Body shaming (noun)– the action or practice of humiliating someone by making mocking or critical comments about their body shape or size

Toxic masculinity- defined by adherence to traditional male gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men to express, including social expectations that men seek to be dominant (the “alpha male”) and limit their emotional range primarily to expressions of anger.

This instagram conversation inspired a great discussion between the NFD co-hosts. Here are some of the points we raised. Listen to the episode for more!

 

  • Westley- “I think that when it comes to both body shaming and preferences there is a fine line between shaming and liking something about someone.”
  • Maddie- “I don’t know a guys dick size till I see it so I can’t technically shame him, just saying.”
  • Maddie- “There’s a difference between politely saying I no longer want to sleep with you vs. I won’t talk to you at all cause you don’t fit certain parameters. Secondly is it body shaming if I’m just saying what I find attractive?  I personally prefer dark skin men, that doesn’t mean I don’t think any light skin men or men or other nationalities are attractive, I am just more sexually aroused and my interest is piqued by dark skinned men.”
  • Lina D- “I am always sensitive when expressing my preferences with a new partner. I don’t want to say something that triggers a reaction, so I am never rude. I will diplomatically express my disinterest and keep it moving.”

We somehow started talking about the dick slang- we couldn’t help ourselves. Here is the link to the video we mentioned.

And finally some good reads we want to share:

Have another point of view we didn’t represent? Send us a note using our contact us form.

Ep 44 – Get That Equal Pay!

This is a calling to all the women who work hard and take pride in their professional accomplishments. This week’s episode commemorates Equal Pay Day which took place on April 10th in the U.S. Advocacy should happen throughout the year, and you are accountable for your pay everyday. Listen to this episode to learn more about resources and tips to make sure you get your equal pay!

What is Equal Pay Day? It is a day meant to show how far into the year women must work to earn what men earned in the previous year.  The actual day varies depending on the year and the country. Germany is another country who celebrates the day. It might seem that acknowledging that women are not being paid equally for equal work is no cause for celebration, but by spreading awareness of the issue then we can collectively and individually take action.

This year, the day took place on April 10th. And a new addition for this year, is laying out equal pay days by ethnicity. See below for the days:

February 22, 2018 Asian American women’s Equal Pay Day

April 10, 2018 All women’s Equal Pay Day

April 17, 2018 White women’s Equal Pay Day

August 7, 2018 Black women’s Equal Pay Day

September 27, 2018 Native women’s Equal Pay Day

November 1, 2018 Latinas’ Equal Pay Day

We referenced percentages on the episode and we obtained that data from the Vox article: The Gender and Racial Wage Gap

White Men $22 100%
White Women $18 81%
Black $14 64%
Latina $12 55%

We talk about the American Association of University Women founded in 1881 and their mission to advance equity for women and girls through advocacy, education, philanthropy, and research. Check them out for some good educational resources including how you can find out the gender pay gap in your state.  The interactive map helps you find out the strength of the equal pay laws in the state of interest. We talked about the highest gaps:

  1. Louisiana- 70%
  2. Utah- 70%
  3. West Virginia- 72%

And where we have made some progress but are not there yet:

  1. New York- 89%
  2. California- 88%
  3. Florida- 87%

We go through our experiences and highlight actions so that you can take ownership for narrowing your pay gap. We cover the topics below and more. Make sure you listen to this episode!

  • Take a negotiation course
  • Do your research-Maddie- starts from the initial interview not even at the negotiating table- glassdoor; salary.com; etc
  • Quantify your value