Love Affairs

Our podcast has roots in sexual empowerment. We were formerly known as No Free Drinks. You can find all of our old episodes here where we dove into dating, relationships, and sex. 

Episode 10 – Season Finale

We can’t believe the end of season 1 of Bold & Bawdy is here! Check us out as we reminisce our favorite moments of the season. Want to know what we will be up to over break? Want some advice on dealing with the holidays and closing the year strong? We got that too!

 

The co-hosts share their favorite moments and episodes! If you are a new listener, listen to this episode to get an idea of the content we created this season.

We talk about some of the things we will be focused on over the coming months. Maddie is going to finally going to study for her licensing exam, Westley will be working on building his photography skills, and Lina D is working on her summer body for December.

The episode closes with advice for dealing with the holidays and ending the year strong. Bold and Bawdy will be back next year. Full release timing to be announced!

 

I love that we have stayed true to highlighting the issues and staying woke

Maddie: I enjoyed the variety of topics we covered this season; it’s why we rebranded but I loved how it felt more true to who we are

Ep 8 – The Guidelines – Booty Call Edition

Episode Description: Do booty calls have rules? Listen to this week’s episode to find out all the do’s and don’ts. This topic inspired by @geminiteapod! Check out their post.

 

Listen to Westley, Lina D, and Maddie as they give you their answers to the questions below.

 

  1. What constitutes as a booty call?
  2. Is there a limit to how many booty calls you can have with the same person in a week?
  3. Will we ever be seen in public together?
  4. What are appropriate booty call times? Refer to meme about age appropriate times
  5. How do you know if someone is a good booty call candidate?
  6. What should I say to let my booty call know I want some? “Hey big head?” Whatchu doin’ later?”
  7. As a woman how do I set up dick appointments with confidence?
  8. As a man how do I set up a booty call without her thinking I’m an asshole?
  9. Can an ex be a booty call candidate?
  10. Should I/they stay the night?
  11. Are there different types of booty calls?
  12. What are other rules of booty calls?

Ep 7 – IRL – In Real Life

Episode description: Is dating in real life dead? In this episode we look into the the rise of online dating and discuss if dating in real life from start to finish is even a thing anymore. We welcome a special guest! Sophia joins us to give her perspective and strategies for dating from the perspective of someone that has been off the market for 10 years and is just getting back into the scene. For those of you that are over online dating, we provide tips for changing up your dating approach.

 

We start the episode by reviewing the history of online dating and the websites and apps that have shaped the future of dating. You can read the entire article here.

The milestones at a glance:

  • Match launched in 1995
  • AIM launched in 1997
  • eHarmony launched in 2000
  • OKCupid 2000s
  • Tinder’s arrival in 2012

Now that we have spent dating online for over 20 years, economists have looked into the impact online dating has made on society. These are the findings:

  • more than ⅓ of marriages start online
  • There is evidence that suggests that relationships that start from online dating lead to stronger and more diverse marriages
  • The economists examining the trends are Josué Ortega and Philipp Hergovich. They are looking at the data on how marriages and relationships are forming. The have found that online dating tools may actually be helping more people get together in new ways.

We talk about these findings and infuse our perspective of what we find interesting.

Sophia, Westley, Maddie, and Lina D all share their personal experiences with dating online and in real life. Sophia gives her perspective on the importance of having a dating strategy so that you don’t waste your time. We also talk through the pros and cons of dating in real life. You will want to listen to the entire episode, but here are some teasers:

  • My last relationship and most recent situationships started online but I feel like I’m a harsher judge with those guys on the onset and just expect bullshit. Since the connection happened online, I am more skeptical. -Maddie
  • I think the benefits of meeting in real life are more intangible. There is an element of security tied to meeting someone in person. You feel an instant attraction and know the chemistry is real. This makes you more driven to get to know that person. -Lina D
  • Meeting in real life is better because the catfish factor is non-existent. -Westley

And to wrap this episode Maddie provides her tips for getting off the apps and putting yourself out there to meet people in real life.  

Episode 3: The Move In: A Look at Cohabitation Trends

Episode Description: Are you thinking about taking the next step and moving in together? Listen to this episode to get all sides of the story. Cohabitation can be a scary step and it may not be for everyone. We talk about the pros and cons of cohabitation and look into the most recent trends.

 

What is cohabitation? It’s a situation in which a couple chooses to live together and have a sexual relationship. Cohabitation has been defined as “two unrelated persons of the opposite sex who share common living arrangements in a sexually intimate relationship without legal or religious sanction.”

Lina D opens up the episode by discussing how she was raised to think about cohabitation. Growing up in a Salvadoran household meant there were strong views against cohabitation. Her mom believed that marriage before sex was a requirement so living with the boyfriend was out of the question. She gives a recount of how her parents always talked negatively about cousins that were cohabiting and having kids. Interestingly enough, they were less concerned about people who were living together without kids but there was still an element of judgement. Lina D talks about the words (in Spanish) that are used to describe the partner: el marido or el mari-novio which was said in such a tone that showed a type of disdain and disapproval for the situation. What’s worse, is that women somehow lost their identity when they decided to move in with their significant other. All of the sudden they would be referred to as “la mujer.” Maddie and Westley explain how in Haitian culture they weren’t as judgemental but it was still preferred that couples get married before they decided to live together.

Maddie and Westley also share their views on cohabitation. Maddie would never do it because it would get in the way of her leading a celibate life. Westley agrees that his upbringing led him to believe that only married couples should live together, but when he was young he said he would only do it if he felt something special for the person. Westley and Lina D then discuss how they came about deciding to move in together.

So what are the stats around living together? We take a look at Pew Social Trends and find that one-in-four parents living with a child in the United States today are unmarried. “Driven by declines in marriage overall, as well as increases in births outside of marriage, this marks a dramatic change from a half-century ago, when fewer than one-in-ten parents living with their children were unmarried (7%).” Trends show that fewer Americans are getting married, and that it’s becoming more common for unmarried people to have babies. In 1970 there were 26 births per 1,000 unmarried women ages 15 to 44, while that rate in 2016 stood at 42 births per 1,000 unmarried women. Meanwhile, birthrates for married women have declined, from 121 births per 1,000 down to about 90. This one came as a shock to Lina D- you should listen to the banter between Maddie and Lina D. In 1997, the first year for which data on cohabitation are available, 20% of unmarried parents who lived with their children were also living with a partner, now that share has increased to 35%. Pew Research found some interesting trends tied to age. Roughly half of those living with an unmarried partner are younger than 35. Since 2007, the number of cohabiting adults ages 50 and older has grown by 75%.

 

We discuss our views on whether cohabitation is bad. Some studies have shown that living together prior to marriage most likely ends in divorce, but more recent studies show the opposite- cohabitation alone isn’t the culprit for divorce. According to this Time article living together doesn’t totally keep people from divorce, but it isn’t the marriage killer it was once thought to be. Here are some interesting facts surfaced by this article:

  • What leads to divorce is when people move in with someone – with or without a marriage license – if they aren’t mature and either choose incompatible partners or conduct themselves in ways that threaten the longevity of a relationship.
  • Economist Evelyn Lehrer (University of Illinois-Chicago) says the longer people wait past 23, the more likely a marriage is to stick. Her analysis shows that for every year a woman waits to get married, right up until her early 30s, she reduces her chances of divorce.
  • 70% of all women aged 30 to 34 have lived with a boyfriend and many are educated and wealthy.

Maddie talks about the reasons why she would never consider moving in with someone before marriage. Ladies if your priority is to get a ring put on it, then listen to the episode to help you sort out your stance on the issue. Maddie offers great advice. She also references an article from Probe and explains how those who live together before they get married are putting their future marriage in danger.

Obviously living together isn’t a one size fits all issue. Make sure you listen to this episode and inform yourself on the different points of view.

Ep 48 – Inglorious Infidelity

In this episode, the co-hosts share their plans for the future of No Free Drinks. Some exciting changes are coming, and we want to keep our listeners in the know so that you can continue to listen and contribute to the conversation. We value the loyalty of our listeners! Thinking about the concept of loyalty inspired us to cover infidelity. We talk about cheating trends, the different types of cheating, and our thoughts on whether there is coming back from infidelity in a relationship.

We open this episode with with giving listeners an update of where we are going with the direction of the podcast. Here is the sneak peek, we plan to release more information in the coming weeks starting with our next episode.

  • We will be shifting to a seasonal podcast model with biweekly episode releases.
    • Why: This will give us more time to engage with the community and push the conversation further
  • We will expand the breadth of topics we cover.
    • Why: We enjoy developing content for our listeners and our voices don’t want to stay contained to only cover topics that touch dating, relationships, and sex.
  • We will be renaming the podcast & will announce the new name in our episode releasing on May 30, 2018.
    • Why: The new name will bring to life how our brand is evolving and better capture the essence of the direction we want to go in the future.

We plan to share more information in next week’s episode but we did want to start having this conversation with our listeners now because we value you and your listenership. The last thing we want to do is surprise you in a way that makes you feel betrayed or that we didn’t bring you along our journey.

The topic of loyalty inspired this week’s episode topic: cheating

The definition of cheating according to Webster: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice; to be sexually unfaithful

infidelity

a : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : disloyalty

b : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner

The trends when it comes to cheating:

  1. Female infidelity has increased 50% and is rapidly approaching the rate of male infidelity.
  2. Internet-assisted infidelity is now responsible for ⅓ of all divorces
  3. Workplace infidelity is on the Rise.

We discuss the 3 types of cheating. We referenced this article to get a sense of what actions are captured in the different types of cheating.

  1. Emotional cheating refers to a situation where one of the individuals in a relationship has a friendship where the nature of that friendship is inappropriate. Although they may “just friends” there is sexual tension involved. You consider this friend to be a confidant and will discuss intimate and confidential information about your relationship and seek advice and support from them.
    • Characteristics of emotional cheating:
      • Falling in love with someone else
      • Looking forward to spend more time with the friend than the person you are in a relationship with
      • You seek them out so they can distract you from the issues you are having in your relationship
      • You start to think of the friend as someone that you can’t live without
  2. Physical cheating: becoming physically involved with another person
    • Characteristics of physical cheating:
      • Touching, kissing, sex with someone that isn’t your partner
  3. Energetic Cheating: Is also called micro-cheating and Lina D calls this White Cheating- most people would say this isn’t cheating but then would be embarrassed to admit to their partner that it has happened. Think of how you feel when you tell a white lie. We also found this article that talks more about the micro-cheating trend.
    • Characteristics of energetic cheating:
      • Having Inappropriate thoughts about being with other people
      • Fantasizing about other people as you are sleeping with your partner.
      • Going to places, knowing that the other person you are sexually attracted to, will be there.
      • Stalking someone that you have a sexual interest in on social media and liking their posts
      • Sliding in someone’s DM with the intent to flirt and push to see if they are interested in you as well
      • Purposely trying to fill an emotional void with someone else’s presence
    • Some items that people consider energetic cheating but we disagree with:
      • Watching porn (especially if you’re partner doesn’t know about it)
      • Masturbating about someone other than your partner

The co-hosts share their points of view and some of their other experiences with cheating. They wrap up the episode by discussing situations where cheating can be forgiven in a relationship and when it is a dealbreaker.

Ep 47 – Down In The Office

Office hookups- some people think they are no big deal, but others will tell you that they always end in disaster. In this week’s episode we talk about the dangers of office hookups and we have a juicy story to share.

Disclaimer: There are a lot of sides to office romance conversation but in this episode we focus on hookups only as these can happen by “accident” if you aren’t careful.

We kick off this episode going through some of the surprising statistics related to office romance. You can check them out in this Business Insider article. 36% of people have had a random office hookup. That is a lot in our book! We share what we think when it comes to shitting where you eat:

  • Maddie: Unless you’re a temp or planning on leaving the company AND industry I’d say don’t even consider it
    • As people of color in particular when it comes to career it’s such a small world that the bad decisions from happy hour will follow you longer than you think
    • Boundaries are hella important; you know your level of hoe-dom- don’t push it by flirting or being playful if you know you’d smash the second they seem down
  • Lina D: Always a bad idea- office culture doesn’t ever allow for things to be private.
    • As a woman you have to be even more careful, men are celebrated for their sexcapades at work but women can have a harder time recovering
    • Office vagina/ penis- do you really want to be the next person at the office that slept with that same person?
  • Westley: No….Not messing with my money, and I definitely don’t shit where i eat…not trying to be the gossip of the workplace, and not trying to get fired

Ladies & Gentlemen, Story time is here! (Note this is abridged, you will want to listen to the episode to get the full scoop.)

First off let’s start by saying this: the main character in this story, Tracy (names have been changed to protect identities) is scared of and refuses to get tested. Now here is where the story takes a twist. He hooks up with all the Tinderellas out there without using condoms and has hooked up with five other women at work also unprotected. Of course there is going to be drama but this workplace has a zero tolerance policy on workplace romances. There is proof that people have been fired in the past for violating the policy.

We close the episode with our advice to our listeners, here is a short list: STIs are real, don’t expect special treatment if you engage in office hookups, and brace for defamation of character.

Recommended Fun Read from Cosmo!

Ep 45 – That’s What I Like

It’s been a minute, but we finally bring you another listener inspired episode. We wanted to continue the conversation that started in our preview post for Ep. 42- It’s a Numbers Game on instagram. What is the difference between preferences and body shaming? Join the conversation!

In this listener inspired episode we talk about the differences between body shaming and preferences. Here is the backstory: in Episode 42: It’s a Numbers Game we talked about various dating and sex topics that have something to do with numbers. Our preview inspired a conversation on instagram, you can check it out here. We have posted a portion of the comments below too.

@Theearthmomma: I think shaming men for their dick size is the equivalent of body shaming women. There’s such a double standard when it comes to this. Men need to step it up and learn how to please women in different ways other than intercourse, AND women need to step it up and demand better lovers and stop letting toxic masculinity inside of their yonis. Accepting drunken insecure men inside of us is allowing men to be weak lovers. No more faking it when it really doesn’t feel good. No more douche bags. Women have the power to force men to step up their character. Another topic you guys have brought up that seems funny on the surface but really has way more depth to climb in to

@_nofreedrinks: @theearthmomma thanks so much for your comment! You are right that this topic has a lot more layers than we speak to in this episode. I’ve hadn’t thought about shaming dick size as the equivalent of body shaming for women. I appreciate you adding that perspective because it’s true- focusing on size is another way to objectify. I agree on your point completely about women stepping up and demanding more and not settling. -Lina D

@tone__da: @theearthmomma I agree with you but it’s good to bring to light what some women do see as a requirement. It’s not right but it’s reality too.

@Alastaircunning: @theearthmomma Body shaming is obviously bad. But expressing a physical preference in a sexual partner is not inherently shaming to those who aren’t endowed with that preference. And it need not be objectifying to the fortunately endowed person either. Treat everyone like a full subjectively experiencing human being, not just a means to an end but an end in themselves, and express any preference with due sensitivity to those who don’t measure up and I think we in the ethical clear. After all, encouraging women to suppress a legitimate sexual preference is hardly a healthy way to go either…

 

Before we dive into the conversation in the episode we define a couple of the words that are used a lot but are seldom fully understood:

Body shaming (noun)– the action or practice of humiliating someone by making mocking or critical comments about their body shape or size

Toxic masculinity- defined by adherence to traditional male gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men to express, including social expectations that men seek to be dominant (the “alpha male”) and limit their emotional range primarily to expressions of anger.

This instagram conversation inspired a great discussion between the NFD co-hosts. Here are some of the points we raised. Listen to the episode for more!

 

  • Westley- “I think that when it comes to both body shaming and preferences there is a fine line between shaming and liking something about someone.”
  • Maddie- “I don’t know a guys dick size till I see it so I can’t technically shame him, just saying.”
  • Maddie- “There’s a difference between politely saying I no longer want to sleep with you vs. I won’t talk to you at all cause you don’t fit certain parameters. Secondly is it body shaming if I’m just saying what I find attractive?  I personally prefer dark skin men, that doesn’t mean I don’t think any light skin men or men or other nationalities are attractive, I am just more sexually aroused and my interest is piqued by dark skinned men.”
  • Lina D- “I am always sensitive when expressing my preferences with a new partner. I don’t want to say something that triggers a reaction, so I am never rude. I will diplomatically express my disinterest and keep it moving.”

We somehow started talking about the dick slang- we couldn’t help ourselves. Here is the link to the video we mentioned.

And finally some good reads we want to share:

Have another point of view we didn’t represent? Send us a note using our contact us form.

Ep 43 – Dating Alphabet Soup

 

Dating trends continue to get interesting and in this episode we discuss the latest alphabet soup for 2018. In case you still might be catching up with catfishing and ghosting, don’t worry, we also have a recap of the top 2017 dating happenings. You will want to get familiar with these terms- so that you can spot and avoid them- you don’t want to get caught in these situations willingly.

Ghosting is so 2017, it’s 2018 and with that comes even more dating behaviors to look out for as you continue or embark on your search for bae. This as an educational episode and we will introduce a few words you may have not heard, and give examples of what behavior comes attached. Even if you are thinking no strings attached is your game, being in the know doesn’t hurt. Remember, we want you to be successful on your dating journey. Success doesn’t happen overnight so a check in is always welcomed.

We kick off the episode by giving a recap of the 2017 trends.  When we first started No Free Drinks, we dedicated an entire episode on ghosting. If you still have questions on what that is make sure you check it out: Episode 3, Casper the Friendly Ghoster. Another big one last year was breadcrumbing, which is “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e breadcrumbs’) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.” Maddie shares her stories of being both a victim and a perpetrator. And one that continues to be a repeat offender- phubbing. This funny word refers to ignoring your date or partner so you can look at your phone. Terrible behavior-  but Lina D is definitely guilt of this one and she shared how it can have an impact on your budding and long term relationship. Poor Westley was a victim here…

Now that you are caught up, we can move on to the “newer” trending behaviors on the dating scene. You have been warned that these are not behaviors you should be seeking so listening and reading will help you avoid wasting time on dates that will go nowhere.

First one up is flexting and this is when someone pads their dating profile by inflating who they actually are with the goal to impress the person who will eventually accept a date with them. Flexting takes place before you meet the first time so try not to quickly fall for what you read on the profile- temper your expectations and get the real story on the date. According to Plenty Of Fish 47% of singles have been “flexted.”

Cricketing is when someone deliberately leaves a text message on “read” for la really long time for no reason. For those of you with Cricket phone service, you are no longer allowed to blame your phone company.

Whoever thought ghosting would evolving into other forms?! We definitely didn’t think these would become a thing but ghostbusting and hauntings are now on the list. When your ghosting victim isn’t getting the hint, guess what they are ghostbusting. And a haunting happens when someone refuses to let a person go on social media even after the encounter has been confirmed dead i.e. that person you ghosted is only pretending to have gotten the message. But be warned this also happens with relationships!

Lastly, fauxbae’ing is when a single person pretends to have a partner on social media, and a word that Lina D seriously butchers.

Ep 42 – Its a Numbers Game

In this episode we have fun with numbers and share our points of view on various topics in dating, relationships, and sex that touch an arithmetic. Math wasn’t your favorite subject? No problem! We still want you to listen and share what you think.

Do you think dating is a numbers game? The co-hosts have a conversation on their points of view. Lina D talks about how dating apps have made it super easy to connect with people and makes it so much easier to fall into a trap of just going on dates to go on dates. Maddie talks about how to hack online dating, a TED talk that highlights how dating is a numbers game.

Are there any rules you have for yourself that are tied to a magic number? The co-hosts talk about their own rules, and we would love to hear yours.

Do you have any number related topics that are off limits to discussion with a partner? We talk about body count, number of exes, and length of relationships.

Lastly we talk about how numbers shouldn’t be used to determine someone’s value.

Ep 41 – Me Too: No More Domestic Violence

The next episode of our Me Too series is here. The beginning of this year has highlighted that domestic violence is sadly still plaguing homes. We wanted to talk about the different ways domestic violence takes a toll on homes and individuals and highlight how pervasive of an issue this is across society.

We reference a video and a movie in this episode, if you listened and want to check it out, the links to view it or learn more are here:

What Would You Do – Domestic Violence and Abuse in PUBLIC! (Social Experiment)

Crazy in Alabama

 

We open the episode by discussing the different types of domestic violence and sharing some of our experiences.

The different types of abuse:

  • Physical: You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse
  • Emotional: You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through
  • Sexual:  Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:
  • Reproductive: Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
  • Financial: Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner
  • Digital: Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

 

We found a visual that helps understand the various dimensions of abuse and how someone could be experiencing either one or more types at the same time. Visit the link to learn more.

We take a look at domestic violence trends:

  • Globally, men who are exposed to domestic violence as children are 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate acts of domestic violence as adults than men who weren’t.
  • Homicide is one of the leading causes of death for women aged ≤44 years.* In 2015, homicide caused the death of 3,519 girls and women in the United States. Rates of female homicide vary by race/ethnicity (1), and nearly half of victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner

We also cover off on some of the biased points of view that are held when it comes to domestic violence:

  • Societies willful ignorance: “It’s understandable what she means there, but perhaps it’s time our society started to think of physical abuse, possessiveness and men’s entitlement to act in those ways toward women as terroristic, violent and radical.”
  • Men are victims too: We found how limited resources are for men that have experienced domestic violence. There are a lot of staggering facts, and we spend time talking about this topic because it is important to note that domestic violence can impact anyone and all victims should all be able to get help. Read more here. We highlighted the ones we found most surprising below.
  • Almost half (48.8 percent) of all men have dealt with some sort of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. This number is equal to women at 48.4 percent.
  • Nearly 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner to the point they were scared for their life or safety or the lives or safety of loved ones.
  • An estimated 10.4 percent or approximately 11.7 million men in the U.S. have reported having an intimate partner get or attempt to get pregnant when the male partner didn’t agree to it.
  • About 2 in 5 gay and bisexual men will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

It is important to know that you can get help, and as someone that wants to make a change, know you can also donate your time to help others.

  • There are national and local organizations to get help if you or someone you know are victims of domestic violence
  • If you’re not most of these organizations are always looking for volunteers or donations so if you have the time please give your time or money