It’s Complicated

Ep 48 – Inglorious Infidelity

In this episode, the co-hosts share their plans for the future of No Free Drinks. Some exciting changes are coming, and we want to keep our listeners in the know so that you can continue to listen and contribute to the conversation. We value the loyalty of our listeners! Thinking about the concept of loyalty inspired us to cover infidelity. We talk about cheating trends, the different types of cheating, and our thoughts on whether there is coming back from infidelity in a relationship.

We open this episode with with giving listeners an update of where we are going with the direction of the podcast. Here is the sneak peek, we plan to release more information in the coming weeks starting with our next episode.

  • We will be shifting to a seasonal podcast model with biweekly episode releases.
    • Why: This will give us more time to engage with the community and push the conversation further
  • We will expand the breadth of topics we cover.
    • Why: We enjoy developing content for our listeners and our voices don’t want to stay contained to only cover topics that touch dating, relationships, and sex.
  • We will be renaming the podcast & will announce the new name in our episode releasing on May 30, 2018.
    • Why: The new name will bring to life how our brand is evolving and better capture the essence of the direction we want to go in the future.

We plan to share more information in next week’s episode but we did want to start having this conversation with our listeners now because we value you and your listenership. The last thing we want to do is surprise you in a way that makes you feel betrayed or that we didn’t bring you along our journey.

The topic of loyalty inspired this week’s episode topic: cheating

The definition of cheating according to Webster: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice; to be sexually unfaithful

infidelity

a : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : disloyalty

b : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner

The trends when it comes to cheating:

  1. Female infidelity has increased 50% and is rapidly approaching the rate of male infidelity.
  2. Internet-assisted infidelity is now responsible for ⅓ of all divorces
  3. Workplace infidelity is on the Rise.

We discuss the 3 types of cheating. We referenced this article to get a sense of what actions are captured in the different types of cheating.

  1. Emotional cheating refers to a situation where one of the individuals in a relationship has a friendship where the nature of that friendship is inappropriate. Although they may “just friends” there is sexual tension involved. You consider this friend to be a confidant and will discuss intimate and confidential information about your relationship and seek advice and support from them.
    • Characteristics of emotional cheating:
      • Falling in love with someone else
      • Looking forward to spend more time with the friend than the person you are in a relationship with
      • You seek them out so they can distract you from the issues you are having in your relationship
      • You start to think of the friend as someone that you can’t live without
  2. Physical cheating: becoming physically involved with another person
    • Characteristics of physical cheating:
      • Touching, kissing, sex with someone that isn’t your partner
  3. Energetic Cheating: Is also called micro-cheating and Lina D calls this White Cheating- most people would say this isn’t cheating but then would be embarrassed to admit to their partner that it has happened. Think of how you feel when you tell a white lie. We also found this article that talks more about the micro-cheating trend.
    • Characteristics of energetic cheating:
      • Having Inappropriate thoughts about being with other people
      • Fantasizing about other people as you are sleeping with your partner.
      • Going to places, knowing that the other person you are sexually attracted to, will be there.
      • Stalking someone that you have a sexual interest in on social media and liking their posts
      • Sliding in someone’s DM with the intent to flirt and push to see if they are interested in you as well
      • Purposely trying to fill an emotional void with someone else’s presence
    • Some items that people consider energetic cheating but we disagree with:
      • Watching porn (especially if you’re partner doesn’t know about it)
      • Masturbating about someone other than your partner

The co-hosts share their points of view and some of their other experiences with cheating. They wrap up the episode by discussing situations where cheating can be forgiven in a relationship and when it is a dealbreaker.

Ep 41 – Me Too: No More Domestic Violence

The next episode of our Me Too series is here. The beginning of this year has highlighted that domestic violence is sadly still plaguing homes. We wanted to talk about the different ways domestic violence takes a toll on homes and individuals and highlight how pervasive of an issue this is across society.

We reference a video and a movie in this episode, if you listened and want to check it out, the links to view it or learn more are here:

What Would You Do – Domestic Violence and Abuse in PUBLIC! (Social Experiment)

Crazy in Alabama

 

We open the episode by discussing the different types of domestic violence and sharing some of our experiences.

The different types of abuse:

  • Physical: You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse
  • Emotional: You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through
  • Sexual:  Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:
  • Reproductive: Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
  • Financial: Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner
  • Digital: Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

 

We found a visual that helps understand the various dimensions of abuse and how someone could be experiencing either one or more types at the same time. Visit the link to learn more.

We take a look at domestic violence trends:

  • Globally, men who are exposed to domestic violence as children are 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate acts of domestic violence as adults than men who weren’t.
  • Homicide is one of the leading causes of death for women aged ≤44 years.* In 2015, homicide caused the death of 3,519 girls and women in the United States. Rates of female homicide vary by race/ethnicity (1), and nearly half of victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner

We also cover off on some of the biased points of view that are held when it comes to domestic violence:

  • Societies willful ignorance: “It’s understandable what she means there, but perhaps it’s time our society started to think of physical abuse, possessiveness and men’s entitlement to act in those ways toward women as terroristic, violent and radical.”
  • Men are victims too: We found how limited resources are for men that have experienced domestic violence. There are a lot of staggering facts, and we spend time talking about this topic because it is important to note that domestic violence can impact anyone and all victims should all be able to get help. Read more here. We highlighted the ones we found most surprising below.
  • Almost half (48.8 percent) of all men have dealt with some sort of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. This number is equal to women at 48.4 percent.
  • Nearly 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner to the point they were scared for their life or safety or the lives or safety of loved ones.
  • An estimated 10.4 percent or approximately 11.7 million men in the U.S. have reported having an intimate partner get or attempt to get pregnant when the male partner didn’t agree to it.
  • About 2 in 5 gay and bisexual men will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

It is important to know that you can get help, and as someone that wants to make a change, know you can also donate your time to help others.

  • There are national and local organizations to get help if you or someone you know are victims of domestic violence
  • If you’re not most of these organizations are always looking for volunteers or donations so if you have the time please give your time or money

Ep 35 – A Side Piece Has No Name

 

We wanted to talk about side pieces because we all hear stories of people not knowing where they stand with the person they are seeing. Most times it is because they are a side piece, but they just don’t know it. As glorified as the side piece culture has grown, many are still oblivious to the rules that come with stepping into that situationship. Part of what we want to achieve with this episode is to outline the red flags that come up when someone is caught in a side piece type of relationship.

We start the episode by sharing the rules of the side piece agreement. We found this article via Huffington Post written by Zondra Hughes, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for The Other Woman. It is a rule book of what to expect as the side piece in a situationship. Although it is originally written as rules for the woman, it can apply to anyone regardless of gender. These are the rules:

  1. You are the other person. This does not mean that you are the only other person. Act accordingly.
  2. Please focus on the stolen moments that we spend together. Do not concern yourself with my whereabouts when we are apart. Frankly speaking, my life outside of our time together is not your concern.
  3. Be comfortable with who you are to me; do not mention my significant other, as that person is not your concern. Do NOT compare yourself to my main partner in any way and do not attempt to contact them — to do so would be a breach of our agreement.
  4. Anticipate frequent changes in our plans; for the most part, a spur of the moment escape is the best that I can do.
  5. You must understand that maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each other’s company is vital to the success of our situationship. No bickering or nagging about promises that I didn’t keep.
  6. We are secret lovers; we can’t blast our situationship to the world. Please don’t tag me on Facebook, and don’t send me invitations to your work/family functions or events. Major holidays — more likely than not — will be missed.
  7. No discussions about “where this situationship is headed.” We are where we will be; together, in this moment. Enjoy it.
  8. Yes, I am still sleeping with my significant other, and we do not use condoms. Again, focus on our time together, and not what I do while we are apart.
  9. I am not interested in bringing a child into our situationship. By the way, an unplanned pregnancy will not force a relationship commitment of any kind from me nor will it guarantee a promotion to main status for you.
  10. There are no guarantees about the outcome of our situationship save one: I am a cheater at heart, and that won’t change unless I want it to. Until that happens, if you are promoted to the main, please know that yet another side piece will fill the vacancy that you’ve left behind.

Maddie, Lina D, and Westley share their points of view on side pieces and discuss the pros and cons of being a side piece. The most frustrating piece for Lina D is that certain people get into these situationships without acknowledging the consequences of the actions.  There is also an assumption that the nature of the relationship with morph into something that it is not.

Maddie talks about the misogyny of the side piece culture, and how “the definition of the side chick is usually dependent on the man’s control – she is the side chick because he has said she is. However, why do his terms and his terms alone get to define the relationship?” There are some interesting points made in this article. We also discuss how men are applauded for getting the girl while only having to deal with her part-time while her main deals with all the “hard” stuff. However, women are criticized for having a side piece.

Make sure you listen to this episode for this juicy conversation piece.

Ep 27 – Tis’ The Season To Be Cuffin’

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Oh baby it’s December and it’s finally getting cold outside. Friends have started to come up with reasons to stay in, and you would rather not netflix and chill all by your lonesome. Instead, you have revamped your Tinder profile and are looking to get booed up until April. Join the NFD crew as they discuss the cuffin’ season phenomenon and dig a layer deeper to investigate some of the reasons why you could have a fear commit to a relationship.

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Show Notes:

If you don’t know what cuffing season is then listen to this episode! Cuffing season is when people start looking for someone they can spend long, frigid months with but aren’t exactly looking for a relationship. Our favorite definition is from Urban Dictionary:

“During the Fall and Winter months people who would rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

You can find more information in this link:

https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/what-is-cuffing-season.html

Brock talks about some of the differences that may exist geographically and also provides clues of how you can tell that cuffing season is coming. Technically, the sole purpose of the season is to be with someone during the cold weather, so of course different parts of the country will be affected differently.

To access the visuals we discuss in the episode follow this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/06/cuffing-season-guide_n_5941574.html

Westley, Brock, and Lina D share their experiences with cuffing season. Westley’s has witnessed the timing work out while dating on Tinder- lots of interest starting in October and a lack of interest by April. Lina D talks about her winter time break ups. And Brock reveals how he never really knew the correct definition of cuffing season. While he tends to seriously date when it’s cold, he has never gone into an arrangement where there is an expiration date

In the NYC area, this year has been a harder cuffing season. Summer like days have randomly popped up and it has been a lot warmer than we expect in November and December. The warmer days make it harder for people to fall into the cuffing season mood.  Could it be that this irregular weather could have people wondering if they can potentially be ready for a serious relationship instead of going through with the cuffing season phenomena?

For those that are on the fence, we wanted to give you some advice to help you decide whether or not you are ready to commit. The first thing you want to do is Identify if YOU have commitment issues. Often times we are ready to judge others without understanding how we feel.

Here are the possible signs that you are afraid of commitment:

  1. Making excuses: you are unreliable and often late. You end up agreeing to arrangements but start to look for excuses almost immediately to avoid going. You will end good relationships for the smallest of reasons, and when faced with commitment you withdraw emotionally and start finding faults.
  2. Move way too quickly too fast: you have short, intense and passionate relationships that burn out as quickly as they started. You commit too quickly which usually leads to crash and burn.
  3. You chase romantic partners who are unattainable
  4. You think that you can change the other person even though they don’t completely meet the criteria of what you want in a relationship.

Here is our advice for overcoming your commitment issues

  1. Determine what it is that you are really afraid of and is holding you back from commiting:
    1. Are you scared of getting hurt again? Let go of any past hurt, understand that your fear is irrational and can only control you for as long as you let it
    2. Is it fear of rejection?
    3. Perhaps fear of losing your freedom?
    4. Once you find it, don’t be afraid to take a risk
  2. Date only when you’re happy with yourself and feel 100% ready, or you’ll only attract the wrong relationships
    1. Focus on selfcare
    2. Draw from your positive energy and stop being reliant on others
  3. Vet the person with the right intentions
    1. Don’t just give your number out or accept dates unless you are genuinely interested
    2. Take your time dating someone and make sure you have shared values and aligned ambitions
  4. Don’t overthink things, but pay attention to your instincts
  5. Be open with your partner about how you feel

Make sure that you have gone through the process above before you rush into a relationship. If you are going through something difficult in your life, you might be more likely to rush into something that isn’t healthy for you. Beware of triggers from good and bad events. For example: the death of a loved one, seeing your family and friends go through new beginnings that are on a different timeline from where you stand in your life such as marriage and birth/adoption of kids. You especially want to watch out and steer clear from rushing into a relationship after a bad breakup or heartbreak.

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Ep 9 – In The Zone…

The friend zone – that cold, dark place guys dread. Find out how to avoid being friend zoned. The hosts dish out their theories on nice guys vs. bad boys.

Ep 8 – The Case Of The Ex

Sex with the ex? Nope, stop, don’t do that to yourself! NFD co-hosts talk about making the mistake- multiple times- of having sex with the ex and give their advice on what to do to stay away and focus on yourself after the break-up.

Ep 5 – Just A Friend…

The trio shares their experiences with f¥€k buddies and their advice on how to manage these relationships. Is it possible to stay friends once the sex stops? Come find out.