Dating

Ep 7 – IRL – In Real Life

Episode description: Is dating in real life dead? In this episode we look into the the rise of online dating and discuss if dating in real life from start to finish is even a thing anymore. We welcome a special guest! Sophia joins us to give her perspective and strategies for dating from the perspective of someone that has been off the market for 10 years and is just getting back into the scene. For those of you that are over online dating, we provide tips for changing up your dating approach.

 

We start the episode by reviewing the history of online dating and the websites and apps that have shaped the future of dating. You can read the entire article here.

The milestones at a glance:

  • Match launched in 1995
  • AIM launched in 1997
  • eHarmony launched in 2000
  • OKCupid 2000s
  • Tinder’s arrival in 2012

Now that we have spent dating online for over 20 years, economists have looked into the impact online dating has made on society. These are the findings:

  • more than ⅓ of marriages start online
  • There is evidence that suggests that relationships that start from online dating lead to stronger and more diverse marriages
  • The economists examining the trends are Josué Ortega and Philipp Hergovich. They are looking at the data on how marriages and relationships are forming. The have found that online dating tools may actually be helping more people get together in new ways.

We talk about these findings and infuse our perspective of what we find interesting.

Sophia, Westley, Maddie, and Lina D all share their personal experiences with dating online and in real life. Sophia gives her perspective on the importance of having a dating strategy so that you don’t waste your time. We also talk through the pros and cons of dating in real life. You will want to listen to the entire episode, but here are some teasers:

  • My last relationship and most recent situationships started online but I feel like I’m a harsher judge with those guys on the onset and just expect bullshit. Since the connection happened online, I am more skeptical. -Maddie
  • I think the benefits of meeting in real life are more intangible. There is an element of security tied to meeting someone in person. You feel an instant attraction and know the chemistry is real. This makes you more driven to get to know that person. -Lina D
  • Meeting in real life is better because the catfish factor is non-existent. -Westley

And to wrap this episode Maddie provides her tips for getting off the apps and putting yourself out there to meet people in real life.  

Ep 45 – That’s What I Like

It’s been a minute, but we finally bring you another listener inspired episode. We wanted to continue the conversation that started in our preview post for Ep. 42- It’s a Numbers Game on instagram. What is the difference between preferences and body shaming? Join the conversation!

In this listener inspired episode we talk about the differences between body shaming and preferences. Here is the backstory: in Episode 42: It’s a Numbers Game we talked about various dating and sex topics that have something to do with numbers. Our preview inspired a conversation on instagram, you can check it out here. We have posted a portion of the comments below too.

@Theearthmomma: I think shaming men for their dick size is the equivalent of body shaming women. There’s such a double standard when it comes to this. Men need to step it up and learn how to please women in different ways other than intercourse, AND women need to step it up and demand better lovers and stop letting toxic masculinity inside of their yonis. Accepting drunken insecure men inside of us is allowing men to be weak lovers. No more faking it when it really doesn’t feel good. No more douche bags. Women have the power to force men to step up their character. Another topic you guys have brought up that seems funny on the surface but really has way more depth to climb in to

@_nofreedrinks: @theearthmomma thanks so much for your comment! You are right that this topic has a lot more layers than we speak to in this episode. I’ve hadn’t thought about shaming dick size as the equivalent of body shaming for women. I appreciate you adding that perspective because it’s true- focusing on size is another way to objectify. I agree on your point completely about women stepping up and demanding more and not settling. -Lina D

@tone__da: @theearthmomma I agree with you but it’s good to bring to light what some women do see as a requirement. It’s not right but it’s reality too.

@Alastaircunning: @theearthmomma Body shaming is obviously bad. But expressing a physical preference in a sexual partner is not inherently shaming to those who aren’t endowed with that preference. And it need not be objectifying to the fortunately endowed person either. Treat everyone like a full subjectively experiencing human being, not just a means to an end but an end in themselves, and express any preference with due sensitivity to those who don’t measure up and I think we in the ethical clear. After all, encouraging women to suppress a legitimate sexual preference is hardly a healthy way to go either…

 

Before we dive into the conversation in the episode we define a couple of the words that are used a lot but are seldom fully understood:

Body shaming (noun)– the action or practice of humiliating someone by making mocking or critical comments about their body shape or size

Toxic masculinity- defined by adherence to traditional male gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men to express, including social expectations that men seek to be dominant (the “alpha male”) and limit their emotional range primarily to expressions of anger.

This instagram conversation inspired a great discussion between the NFD co-hosts. Here are some of the points we raised. Listen to the episode for more!

 

  • Westley- “I think that when it comes to both body shaming and preferences there is a fine line between shaming and liking something about someone.”
  • Maddie- “I don’t know a guys dick size till I see it so I can’t technically shame him, just saying.”
  • Maddie- “There’s a difference between politely saying I no longer want to sleep with you vs. I won’t talk to you at all cause you don’t fit certain parameters. Secondly is it body shaming if I’m just saying what I find attractive?  I personally prefer dark skin men, that doesn’t mean I don’t think any light skin men or men or other nationalities are attractive, I am just more sexually aroused and my interest is piqued by dark skinned men.”
  • Lina D- “I am always sensitive when expressing my preferences with a new partner. I don’t want to say something that triggers a reaction, so I am never rude. I will diplomatically express my disinterest and keep it moving.”

We somehow started talking about the dick slang- we couldn’t help ourselves. Here is the link to the video we mentioned.

And finally some good reads we want to share:

Have another point of view we didn’t represent? Send us a note using our contact us form.

Ep 43 – Dating Alphabet Soup

 

Dating trends continue to get interesting and in this episode we discuss the latest alphabet soup for 2018. In case you still might be catching up with catfishing and ghosting, don’t worry, we also have a recap of the top 2017 dating happenings. You will want to get familiar with these terms- so that you can spot and avoid them- you don’t want to get caught in these situations willingly.

Ghosting is so 2017, it’s 2018 and with that comes even more dating behaviors to look out for as you continue or embark on your search for bae. This as an educational episode and we will introduce a few words you may have not heard, and give examples of what behavior comes attached. Even if you are thinking no strings attached is your game, being in the know doesn’t hurt. Remember, we want you to be successful on your dating journey. Success doesn’t happen overnight so a check in is always welcomed.

We kick off the episode by giving a recap of the 2017 trends.  When we first started No Free Drinks, we dedicated an entire episode on ghosting. If you still have questions on what that is make sure you check it out: Episode 3, Casper the Friendly Ghoster. Another big one last year was breadcrumbing, which is “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e breadcrumbs’) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.” Maddie shares her stories of being both a victim and a perpetrator. And one that continues to be a repeat offender- phubbing. This funny word refers to ignoring your date or partner so you can look at your phone. Terrible behavior-  but Lina D is definitely guilt of this one and she shared how it can have an impact on your budding and long term relationship. Poor Westley was a victim here…

Now that you are caught up, we can move on to the “newer” trending behaviors on the dating scene. You have been warned that these are not behaviors you should be seeking so listening and reading will help you avoid wasting time on dates that will go nowhere.

First one up is flexting and this is when someone pads their dating profile by inflating who they actually are with the goal to impress the person who will eventually accept a date with them. Flexting takes place before you meet the first time so try not to quickly fall for what you read on the profile- temper your expectations and get the real story on the date. According to Plenty Of Fish 47% of singles have been “flexted.”

Cricketing is when someone deliberately leaves a text message on “read” for la really long time for no reason. For those of you with Cricket phone service, you are no longer allowed to blame your phone company.

Whoever thought ghosting would evolving into other forms?! We definitely didn’t think these would become a thing but ghostbusting and hauntings are now on the list. When your ghosting victim isn’t getting the hint, guess what they are ghostbusting. And a haunting happens when someone refuses to let a person go on social media even after the encounter has been confirmed dead i.e. that person you ghosted is only pretending to have gotten the message. But be warned this also happens with relationships!

Lastly, fauxbae’ing is when a single person pretends to have a partner on social media, and a word that Lina D seriously butchers.

Ep 42 – Its a Numbers Game

In this episode we have fun with numbers and share our points of view on various topics in dating, relationships, and sex that touch an arithmetic. Math wasn’t your favorite subject? No problem! We still want you to listen and share what you think.

Do you think dating is a numbers game? The co-hosts have a conversation on their points of view. Lina D talks about how dating apps have made it super easy to connect with people and makes it so much easier to fall into a trap of just going on dates to go on dates. Maddie talks about how to hack online dating, a TED talk that highlights how dating is a numbers game.

Are there any rules you have for yourself that are tied to a magic number? The co-hosts talk about their own rules, and we would love to hear yours.

Do you have any number related topics that are off limits to discussion with a partner? We talk about body count, number of exes, and length of relationships.

Lastly we talk about how numbers shouldn’t be used to determine someone’s value.

Ep 40 – No Means No

What role does the incident involving Aziz Ansari and Grace play in the #MeToo movement? Now that the story has been out for a few weeks the No Free Drinks crew revisits this controversial topic and peels back the different layers that contributed to what occurred. At the center, the words “no means no” and the acknowledgement of these words holds the key to preventing situations like this to happen.

“The worst night of my life,” assault, bad date- are some of the many references that have been used to describe the story published by babe.net. There are many different angles to discuss and this episode is meant to talk about the deeper points that are highlighted by this incident. We will go through the different events of the night, discuss our points of view, and ultimately dissect how interactions when dating and different ways of communicating can lead to confusion that could result in someone getting hurt.

Let’s talk about Aziz, below is a word for word recap of the events of the night that we think are important to talk about:

The story of Grace:

  • Where the first red flag was: In a second, his hand was on my breast.” Then he was undressing her, then he undressed himself. She remembers feeling uncomfortable at how quickly things escalated.
  • When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” She says he then resumed kissing her, briefly performed oral sex on her, and asked her to do the same thing to him. She did, but not for long. “It was really quick. Everything was pretty much touched and done within ten minutes of hooking up, except for actual sex.”
  • “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”
  • she says she used verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was. “Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,” she said. “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”
  • “I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said.
  • At this point she thought the sexual encounter was over
  • “He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable.”
  • “He [made out] with me again and says, ‘Doesn’t look like you hate me.’”
  • ‘How about we just chill, but this time with our clothes on?’”
  • “I remember saying, ‘You guys are all the same, you guys are all the fucking same.’”
  • He hugged her and kissed her goodbye, another “aggressive” kiss.
  • “I cried the whole ride home. At that point I felt violated. That last hour was so out of my hand.”

The sequence of these events led to various conversations and revealed different points of view.  This articlefrom the Lily does a good job of exploring different points of view. Maddie, Westley, and Lina D picked the ones that resonated the most with them and discuss.

 

  1. Erica Linebacker Hoffmeister: “I do think there’s a place for this experience in a DIFFERENT conversation. How women feel like we owe men something sexually, how elusive consent can feel, how strange it is we sometimes lose our confident voices in sexual situations, how complex sex is emotionally even when we go in with different expectations … all of those issues deserve a platform in the feminist discussion. I can relate. And it’s problematic and f — ked up. But this is an account of a gross, regrettable situation that could have turned out terrible. This particular account is not ASSAULT. How can we find our voices as women, and become sexually positive and confident, and STOP sexual assault with accusations like these that minimize and trivialize the whole movement and bring us steps backward?”
  2. Quinn Biscoff: “I think it opens up important discussions that men need to listen more and women need to talk more. A massive cultural change is hopefully taking place.
  3. Anita Cake: “To me, a large degree of assault is about intent. Did Aziz intend to hurt this girl or was he genuinely not picking up on her nonverbal cues? Should he be punished for what he did or be allowed to learn from it? That’s where I’m stuck.”
  4. Brittany Cliffe: “She refused him multiple times, both verbally and physically showing her discomfort, and he continued to pursue her and physically touch her. He did not ask for consent (other than ‘Where should I f — k you?’), and she never gave consent to any of those actions. THAT’S ASSAULT. … Coercion is NOT consent.”

As we continue the conversation we come to a controversial but important question, “does no ever NOT mean no?” Examples are cited by men and women alike where there is an element of playing hard to get. We also discuss Maddie’s story with Jim and the fine lines that exist between persistence and harassment.

We had so much to talk about in this episode and we went longer than we were anticipating. We will be releasing another episode in the future to talk about toxic masculinity and what we need to do better to avoid these situations.

Ep 39 – Swipe Right For Aggressive

This episode is here to keep unacceptable online behavior in check! Have you experienced aggressive behavior when you are on dating apps or sites? It happens way to frequently and we want to bring awareness to it, give advice to those who have experienced it, and confront those who think it is normal to be aggressive online.

 

We didn’t want to perpetuate gender biases so we looked up information to understand who is experiencing aggressive behaviors with online dating. This study from Binghamton finds that men are more aggressive on online dating sites and have certain behaviors that are distinct to males. Men tend to be focused on their own interests and are usually oblivious toward their attractiveness to potential dates, while females are more conscious of their own attractiveness.

While the study was interesting, we also wanted to understand people’s experiences. We came to the conclusion that aggressive online dating habits are so commonplace that people have performed experiments to showcase the types of reactions they encounter. Below you will find links and images of the types of responses we found. We discuss these in the episode, but we wanted to provide you the links to raise awareness and bring to life the disturbing aspects of online dating.

  • Man who posed as a woman i.e. reddit user
  • An account from user “Too Afraid”: I received death threats 4rm a man I met on POF, after I spoke w him several times over the cell. I cancelled meeting him & he sent me at least 20 very threatening & disgusting text msg. One was a sex act, one a pic of his bowel movement. He said he will find me & kill me. He’s a phychopath & my gun stays w me now at all times. I thank God I didn’t meet this phyco, I have filed a police report & saved the text msgs. I blocked him after the texts wouldn’t stop. I’ve spoken w several men & when I felt they weren’t the one I moved on as did they. Women please please b careful – have the long talks letting them talk more – they will tell u all u need without knowing. Follow ur gut. I never spoke about sex w this freak but he accused me of playing sex games. One pic was a woman’s butt filled w sperm he said “eat my cum out her ass bitch” “die bitch” “I will find u & kill u” …Terrifying that I met someone straight out a serial killer movie or criminal minds. He even sat on a xerox machine & sent a pic of that. I hope he gets locked up. Mind u this man “seemed ” normal until I stopped talking to him.

 

Maddie and Lina D share their experiences with aggressive behaviors. Westley talks about how he believes the behavior is wrong and gives us his advice from a male point of view.  

There is a pattern with these aggressive interactions, here is a high level view:

  1. Men say Hi and after getting a response steer the conversation to be overly sexual without prompting
  2. Leads to women ignoring messages that are not well thought out
  3. Men blame the women

We discuss our questions to the overly aggressive guy:

  • Why do the conversations become sexual so fast?
  • Why are you in a rush?
  • Do you not care about being seen as a creep?
  • Do you want to stay alone?
  • You know I can just block you right?

To close the episode, we give advice to what should be done when this behavior is encountered and we go after those overly aggressive guys with our words. Stop! You know we can block you right?

Ep 35 – A Side Piece Has No Name

 

We wanted to talk about side pieces because we all hear stories of people not knowing where they stand with the person they are seeing. Most times it is because they are a side piece, but they just don’t know it. As glorified as the side piece culture has grown, many are still oblivious to the rules that come with stepping into that situationship. Part of what we want to achieve with this episode is to outline the red flags that come up when someone is caught in a side piece type of relationship.

We start the episode by sharing the rules of the side piece agreement. We found this article via Huffington Post written by Zondra Hughes, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for The Other Woman. It is a rule book of what to expect as the side piece in a situationship. Although it is originally written as rules for the woman, it can apply to anyone regardless of gender. These are the rules:

  1. You are the other person. This does not mean that you are the only other person. Act accordingly.
  2. Please focus on the stolen moments that we spend together. Do not concern yourself with my whereabouts when we are apart. Frankly speaking, my life outside of our time together is not your concern.
  3. Be comfortable with who you are to me; do not mention my significant other, as that person is not your concern. Do NOT compare yourself to my main partner in any way and do not attempt to contact them — to do so would be a breach of our agreement.
  4. Anticipate frequent changes in our plans; for the most part, a spur of the moment escape is the best that I can do.
  5. You must understand that maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each other’s company is vital to the success of our situationship. No bickering or nagging about promises that I didn’t keep.
  6. We are secret lovers; we can’t blast our situationship to the world. Please don’t tag me on Facebook, and don’t send me invitations to your work/family functions or events. Major holidays — more likely than not — will be missed.
  7. No discussions about “where this situationship is headed.” We are where we will be; together, in this moment. Enjoy it.
  8. Yes, I am still sleeping with my significant other, and we do not use condoms. Again, focus on our time together, and not what I do while we are apart.
  9. I am not interested in bringing a child into our situationship. By the way, an unplanned pregnancy will not force a relationship commitment of any kind from me nor will it guarantee a promotion to main status for you.
  10. There are no guarantees about the outcome of our situationship save one: I am a cheater at heart, and that won’t change unless I want it to. Until that happens, if you are promoted to the main, please know that yet another side piece will fill the vacancy that you’ve left behind.

Maddie, Lina D, and Westley share their points of view on side pieces and discuss the pros and cons of being a side piece. The most frustrating piece for Lina D is that certain people get into these situationships without acknowledging the consequences of the actions.  There is also an assumption that the nature of the relationship with morph into something that it is not.

Maddie talks about the misogyny of the side piece culture, and how “the definition of the side chick is usually dependent on the man’s control – she is the side chick because he has said she is. However, why do his terms and his terms alone get to define the relationship?” There are some interesting points made in this article. We also discuss how men are applauded for getting the girl while only having to deal with her part-time while her main deals with all the “hard” stuff. However, women are criticized for having a side piece.

Make sure you listen to this episode for this juicy conversation piece.

Ep 34 – Lets Talk About Firsts

The episode opens with an introduction of the new No Free Drinks co-host! You have heard them speak before, and they were a fan favorite. We are lucky to have this person back as a full-time co-host. No spoilers here so make sure you listen to the episode. After a re-introduction, our new co-host talks about the reasons they joined No Free Drinks.

And since the release of this episode coincides with Valentine’s Day, Lina D couldn’t help but to spend a little bit of time talking about the Hallmark holiday. Lina D grew up being a fan of el día del amor or the dia of love, and talks about what the day has meant to her. The rest of the NFD crew shares their experiences with Valentine’s Day and their views on the day.

So let’s talk about first dates! What does a first date look like anyway?

So let’s talk about first kisses! Whether you gave or were given the first kiss, it seems to be one of those experiences that can’t be forgotten.

So let’s talk about first time having sex! We save you the details of our experiences, but we do share the interesting stats about how teens are now more responsible when it comes to having sex: You can read the full article by CBS News.

The highlight is that the percentages of teenagers having sex have dropped since 1988. 42% of women aged 15 to 19 report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 51%. 44% of men in the same age group report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 60%. Another interesting point is that very few teens had their first experience of sexual intercourse with someone they “just met.” Only 2 percent of teen girls and 7 percent of teen boys reported doing so. Instead, nearly 75% of women and 51% of men reported that their first partner was someone that they were “going steady” with.

What are some of the factors that have led to more responsible behavior with having sex for the first time? We think it is closely related with how much more open we are as a society now than 20 years ago. But if you compare the U.S. to countries in Europe you will see that the U.S. is still more socially conservative. Being open and talking about sex has tangible benefits and there are places that do it better than the U.S. We highlight some of our favorites, and you can also read more in this article, “5 Countries That Do It Better: How Sexual Prudery Makes America a Less Healthy and Happy Place.”

This article highlights that countries that embrace the things that social conservatives detest- comprehensive sex education, pro-gay legislation, nude or topless beaches, legal or decriminalized prostitution, adult entertainment- tend to be countries that have less sexual dysfunction than the United States. If you compare the sexual attitudes in the United States to sexual attitudes in Western Europe, it becomes evident that there is a strong correlation between social conservatism and higher rates of teen pregnancy, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. More information is in the article but you can find the country highlights we talk about below:

  • Netherlands: Sex education starts at age 4, and it is a part of an educational event called “Spring Fever.” It is a week in primary schools focused on sex ed classes. 4 year olds learn about sexuality, 8 year olds learn about self-image and gender stereotypes, and 11 year olds discuss sexual orientation and contraceptive options.
  • Switzerland: Sex ed starts as early as kindergarten. Children ages 5-13 learn about “good touch/bad touch” and teachers are allowed to answer questions in an age appropriate manner.  From age 13 up the conversation shifts include discussions on the actual act, STI’s pregnancy, etc. Prostitution is legalized and federally regulated; besides your standard escort service and strip clubs there are sex clubs, massage parlors and sex boxes (designated areas where you can drive-in and get serviced)- this is an area where the U.S. has not become progressive.
  • France: In France, sex education has been part of school curricula since 1973. Schools are expected to provide 30 to 40 hours of sex education, and pass out condoms, to students in grades 8 and 9. In January 2000, the French government launched an information campaign on contraception with TV and radio spots and the distribution of five million leaflets on contraception to high school students.
  • Germany: As a country, they support comprehensive sex-ed programs, legal prostitution and same-sex civil unions before legalizing gay marriage in July of 2017. Sex ed classes can start as early as when the child is 5 years old (Berlin), some will wait a little longer starting in the 1st grade but at 8-9 years old, all children will have started the classes. They cover the process of growing up, bodily changes during puberty, emotions involved, the biological process of reproduction, sexual activity, partnership, homosexuality, unwanted pregnancies and the complications of abortion, the dangers of sexual violence, child abuse, and sex-transmitted diseases. It is comprehensive enough that it sometimes also includes information on sex positions and the correct usage of contraception.

Let’s talk about other firsts! The NFD co-hosts share stories on their first time having an orgasm, first time buying a sex toy, and first oral experiences- giving and receiving.

Ep 33 – Dating Apps In Color

We have talked about dating, dating apps, but we haven’t specifically talked about how race or ethnicity plays a role in dating. Many people claim to be open minded about who they choose to date, but a view of OkCupid’s dating stats tell a different story. We dive into the story behind the numbers.

OkCupid has released United States based dating statistics by race.  This is based on their user base. You can find more details in the article here. We have all heard and seen cases where dating apps aren’t friendly to people of color and that finding the right match isn’t easy. There are some interesting trends if we compare 2009 to 2014. Reference the exhibits in the link above and find the 2009 chart labeled “OkCupid QuickMatch Scores.” There is a second chart with the same title for 2014.

First Westley and Brock go into the details of 2009:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women first and then White women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally
  • Latino men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • White men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • All men ranked Black women as least desirable

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women prefer White men first and then Asian men
  • Black women prefer Black men first, then White men
  • Latina women prefer Latino men first, then White men
  • White women prefer like White men first, then Latino men

Then we reviewed the trends in 2014:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women, then White women and now also consider dating Latina women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally, and now also consider dating Black women
  • Latino men reversed order and now prefer Latina women first, then Asian women, and then White women
  • White men reversed their top two and prefer Asian women first, then White women, and then Latina women
  • When it comes to men from other races/ ethnicities, they ranked Black women as their least preferred

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women reversed and now prefer Asian men, then White men
  • Black women prefer Black men only
  • Latina women prefer Latino men, then White men
  • White women prefer White men, then Latino men
  • Women’s racial preferences have gotten stronger since 2009- as in they are less likely to be open to date races and ethnicities different from their own.

Lina D, Westley, and Brock discuss their theories on why they think this trend has happened. Lina D goes into male privilege being a factor since women have to think about the situations they place themselves with dating and if they haven’t been explosed to other ethnicities growing up or they are not a part of their friendship cirlces- then they are less likely to feel safe surrounding themselves with diverse men when it comes to dating.

A note as you are reading these tables, the values in these tables are “preference above/below vs. the average.” Think of them as how people weigh race in deciding attraction. So, for example, latina women find latino men 18% more desirable than the average man.

Westley, Brock, and Lina D discuss what these trends say about dating for people of color.

The stats above make us think about the power of having apps that are specifically targeting communities of color. If people are already self selecting in the mainstream apps, would they have better results in finding their match on apps that cater to a specific ethnic group? We talk through some of the apps for people of color that are out there. And you can also read this great article to get another point of view. Between Westley, Brock, and Lina D there isn’t a wide spread use of the apps targeting people of color but Westley does share an interesting story about his experience with SoulSwipe. The other apps we talk about are: Bae, Meld, and MiCrush.

Since it seems that ultimately, people of color have a much smaller pool to choose from for dating, Brock talks about how he has opted to be more proactive about swiping when he is traveling abroad. Based on his experience, Brock gives his advice on what country you should be swiping in if you want to meet more diverse and open minded people. Brock’s advice is to go where your background and ethnicity is seen as unique. In his experience, those homogenous cultures reward being different unlike the U.S. In his last episode, Brock talks about his experience on dating apps in Zagreb, Croatia; Mexico City, Mexico; and all-inclusive resorts/cruises. He does warn you to do your research on the resort or cruise you select as lots are heavily skewed towards family and/or couples.

Lina D talks about the openness of men approaching her abroad vs. the U.S. and Westley has found that more women liked his profile while he was abroad than in the U.S.

The No Free Drinks co-host thank Brock for having played a role in starting the podcast and wish him luck in his future projects!

Ep 32 – All Balance

We start with recapping all the episodes in the wiser you toolkit:

  • Kicked off the year giving you advice on how you can change your approach to dating with Episode 29 Date to Win
  • A key for to establishing successful relationships which is hardly ever talked about, is being honest with your partner about expectations for the future. In Episode 30 Crash and Burn we talk about how to have a plan in the event your new partnership- cohabitation, domestic partnership, or marriage- goes south.
  • And last week we dedicated an episode to empower our community by giving them more actionable ways to manage their mental health in Episode 31 Woosah and Flow
  • If you haven’t checked these out yet make sure to do so!

 

Also have news to share which is directly tied to achieving balance.

 

We dive into our advice for achieving balance in your relationship

First things first- avoid compromising on the following: independence, other relationships, interests, self-esteem, and goals & aspirations.

Honesty is key. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do I actually want to date (generally speaking or a specific person) or am I using my busy schedule as an excuse? We covered this in episode 29 so let’s assume this person already wants to date
  • If I have a regular 9-5 job am I okay with dating someone who works long days, weekends, and/or is on call so he/she doesn’t have lots of time to see me?
  • Vice versa, am I willing to put in the work to date someone with a much freer schedule than mine?
  • Is location important to me? I.e. different city/ boro, state, long distance

Be honest with your partner and make sure you:

  • Have a conversation around time and commitments
  • The amount of time you can/want to devote to ‘us’ time
  • The amount of time your partner wants for ‘us’ time
  • Agree on a general plan for the amount of ‘us’ time you two will commit to
  • Even more important when the relationship is long distance

 

Time management for couples is very important.  Here is our advice:

  • Adjust your schedule accordingly
  • Prioritize current responsibilities
  • Reduce or eliminate some
  • Have a stand-in date night(s)
  • Integrate group activities in your schedule every now and then since time is limited and balancing your new partner with your friends may seem hard. This will also help your loved ones get to know your new partner.
  • Travel together- lets you both unwind and disconnect from everyone else