Season NFD

Ep 30 – Crash And Burn

This week in the wiser you toolkit we talk about how you can protect yourself and your assets when you decide to enter into a partnership with your significant other. This partnership can come in different forms- cohabitating, domestic partnership, or marriage. The fact of the matter is that when your relationship reaches this level, you are merging your life and belongings with someone else’s so make sure that you set expectations and form agreements for when things go south. Here is a useful toolkit to protect yourself if shit crashes and burns.

If you listened to episode 26, The Barber Shop there was a part of the conversation where Westley touched on prenups. It was an interesting conversation and the rest of the co-hosts learned a lot about what prenups cover and what they don’t. We wanted to expand on the topic of prenups but in the context on how to be prepared if things crash and burn. We will dive in a bit deeper into prenups and talk about other things you should put in place when your relationship is going well in the event that one day you both decide to split ways.

What should you think about if you are living together but are not married?  We give you some areas to think about and decide if they are good solutions for your relationship. But first let’s look at some stats to understand how the numbers support you putting together a plan in case things crash and burn. Read More.

“A 2010 Census report put the unmarried-partner population at 7.7 million and 56.5 million for the married population.” If you are talking about moving in together, you should draft a cohabitation agreement before you move in together. Here are the things you should think about:

  • Have an agreement in place that details how you plan to share assets, debts and any property we have now or may accrue in the event of a split
  • If you are in a committed relationship consider a domestic partnership

 

Another type of agreement you can consider if you are cohabitating is a domestic partnership. “A domestic partnership is an interpersonal relationship between two individuals who live together and share a common domestic life but are not married (to each other or to anyone else).” The protections of a domestic partnership vary state to state, and city to city. 11 states that full recognize domestic partnerships are: California, Colorado, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, New Jersey, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Wisconsin.

Lina D provides a more in depth summary of how the domestic partnership agreement works in New York City and highly encourage that both parties of the partnership look into the terms, benefits, and understand the differences vs. being in a marriage.

In NYC you have to register with the City Clerk’s Office and according to the office requirements are: Read more.

  • Under city law, both partners must be New York City residents, or at least one half of the couple must be a city employee at the time of registration. Both partners must be a minimum of 18 years old and live together at the same residence. Neither partner may be legally married or registered in a domestic partnership with a third party. Acceptable identification for registration purposes include original birth certificates, driver’s licenses, passports, U.S. immigration cards or official education records.
  • Benefits:
  • New York City employees receive the same availability of benefits whether legally married or registered in a domestic partnership. Among these rights are health benefits, child care and bereavement leave. Surviving domestic partners of New York City police or firefighters killed in the line of duty may continue to receive health insurance coverage.
  • Visitation Rights
  • Housing benefits
  • What isn’t included:
  • Domestic partners in New York City are not eligible for state income tax benefits permitted for spouses and cannot take out the equivalent of spousal insurance policies.

 

So what happens if you didn’t prepare for the split? Here are our list of suggestions on what you need to do.

  • Make sure you can pay the monthly obligations(s) in its entirety in the case of a break-up before you take on legal responsibility to pay the above
  • Have both names on all of the above to ensure you’re made whole down the line if your significant other moves out and doesn’t contribute his/her half while the dispute is being settled
  • Sublet/AirBnb/Break Lease/Sell House/Get a Roommate
  • Legal Action, small claims court or civil court

 

  • Understand your options if you lose your health insurance
  • Know how you split the high end assets
    • Ideally, you and your ex can divide big-ticket household items amicably, based on who bought—or most uses—a particular item
    • If both want an item and the item was purchased together then figure out a buyout price
    • If you can’t, and he or she absconds with something valuable, consider legal action…small-claims court or civil court
  • Talk about who gets to keep each pet

 

Lastly, Westley talks about the definition of marriage and the different types of divorce. Marriage is not only a romantic relationship, but also a business relationship. This dual nature and purpose of marriage has led to the increased acknowledgment that a prenuptial agreement (also called a premarital agreement or prenup, for short) can be useful to protect each spouse’s financial interests.

These are the pros of a prenup:

  • A premarital agreement can protect the inheritance rights of children and grandchildren from a previous marriage.If you have your own business or professional practice, a premarital agreement can protect that interest so that the business or practice is not divided and subject to the control or involvement of your former spouse upon divorce.
  • If you plan to give up a lucrative career after the marriage, a premarital agreement can ensure that you will be compensated for that sacrifice if the marriage does not last.
  • A premarital agreement can limit the amount of spousal support that one spouse will have to pay the other upon divorce.

These are the cons of a prenup:

  • The agreement may require you to give up your right to inherit from your spouse’s estate when he or she dies. Under the law, you are entitled to a portion of the estate even if your spouse does not include such a provision in his or her will.
  • If you contribute to the continuing success and growth of your spouse’s business or professional practice by entertaining clients or taking care of the home, you may not be entitled to claim a share of the increase in value if you agree otherwise in a premarital agreement. Under the laws of many states, this increase in value would be considered divisible marital property.
  • A low- or non-wage-earning spouse may not be able to sustain the lifestyle to which he or she has become accustomed during the marriage if the agreement substantially limits the amount of spousal support to which that spouse is entitled.

What happens when you decide divorce is the best option? There are different types of divorce to think about:

  • No-fault divorce does not assign the fault of the divorce on one spouse, and cites no grounds for divorce other than a breakdown of the marriage. Spouses filing a no-fault divorce usually complete the divorce in an uncontested manner.
  • A collaborative divorce is similar to a mediated divorce, with one major difference. In a mediated divorce, the spouses hire one, unbiased mediator to solve the terms of the divorce. In a collaborative divorce, each spouse hires their own attorney to solve the terms of the divorce. The spouses usually meet with their lawyers privately to discuss the spouse’s wants and needs. Then, all four parties meet to negotiate the terms of the divorce. This process continues until an agreement is reached.
  • In an uncontested divorce, the couple reaches an agreement to settle the divorce issues, such as marital property division, alimony, child custody, and child support. Because the couple has collaborated on their divorce settlement, they do not need divorce lawyers or a divorce court hearing.
  • Alimony – A grant of spousal support depends on the facts of the case, such as the disparity between the income of the parties, the duration of the marriage, the health of the parties, and the presence of very young children. In New York, spousal support is rarely granted on a permanent basis, except in cases of physical or mental disability or when the parties are elderly (about 60 years old or older). Generally, it is granted for a set period of time so the other party can get back on their feet after the termination of the marriage. The length of time depends on the facts of the case as the judge sees fit to award.

Ep 29 – Date to Win

It’s a new year and everyone has their list of new year’s resolutions. But it’s not enough to say you are going to do something different, you have to be committed and have a plan on how you are going to change your habits. This month, NFD brings you “the wiser you” toolkit. Every week we will release a new episode with a focus on how we can help you be wiser this year.

The first topic we tackle, forming healthy dating and relationship habits. Even with dating, you can’t just say you want something to happen but not be ready to put the work in. Although we don’t often think about finding or keeping a relationship as a lot of work it is! So we wanted to give you a useful toolkit for winning in your dating life in the new year.

The first step is to start with yourself! There are three major buckets to consider and we will give your our advice on how to approach each. As a summary, here are the 3 areas: emotional & mental health, checking your unhealthy relationship habits, and setting attainable expectations.

 

Emotional & mental health is important as you need to make sure you are in a position to take on a relationship.  These are the benefits to you if you focus on your emotional and mental health first, and then shift to getting to know other people.

  • You will be a healthier, more available partner if you feel good about yourself and you are able to take care of your own needs
  • Respect for time and taking time for yourself
  • If you are emotionally depleted, you will struggle to give to others or if you do, it will be at the expense of yourself
  • Make sure you are incorporating self-care practices into your dating life and gaining confidence by taking control of your life in the present
  • Don’t wait for a partner to make you happy or get your life together. Instead be sure to invest in yourself starting now
  • You should have your own hobbies and own friends before dating someone

 

Checking your unhealthy relationship habits is important because you become more self aware. The goal is to Identify the unhealthy habits you have been practicing, limit them, and ultimately  eliminate them. The following are examples of unhealthy relationship habits:

  • Keeping score (of who’s done what, who’s messed up the most, who cares more, etc.)
  • Being passive aggressive
  • Lying
  • Impatient
  • Putting up walls
  • Expecting your partner to read your mind (not speaking up for what you want and then getting upset at your partner for not knowing)
  • Trying to punish or inflict pain on your partner (either intentionally or unconsciously)
  • Unsupportive toward your partner’s goals
  • Name-calling
  • Acting jealous or possessive
  • Disrespecting your partner’s privacy or independence
  • Cheating
  • Physical or emotional abuse

In addition to identifying the habits you practice, you also need to take note of any patterns or triggers in your behavior. Many unhealthy habits may appear to keep you safe in the moment, but they prevent you from connecting with your partner and could represent lost opportunities.

If there is an unhealthy behavior that negatively impacted your relationships and you are having trouble identifying how to limit or eliminate- talk it out with your partner

 

You want to set attainable expectations for your growing relationship based on your experiences. Remember it starts with you and you need to be honest about what you really want. For example if you feel drained after thinking through everything we talked about in the first 2 buckets then don’t force it. Take the time you need and stay single- this is about you!

  • Start with what you have learned from previous relationships. Understand what those experiences taught you and consider what you are going to do differently. Make sure you have learned, otherwise you can be setting yourself up to make the same mistakes that can lead to bad relationships.
  • Don’t let your past haunt you, use it as a learning experience that can set up your new relationship for success. Access and reflect anything in your relationship past that continues to cause hurt, pain, anger, sadness, anxiety or poor self-image and find the silver lining. Turn a negative experience into an opportunity for positive interactions. Learning what not to do or better understanding your needs and values are powerful takeaways from the past.
  • Make sure you are defining what you are looking for in a partner and be realistic.

 

We also talk about common traps and misconceptions you want to avoid on your journey to date to win. Stop thinking that your ideal partner will magically appear without much effort on your part. Yes you need to go out, and you need to go to new places and try new things.  Don’t think that bomb sex = love. Don’t settle for less because you believe there are no worthy single people left. If you follow the first tip of taking care of yourself then you should be able to avoid falling into this trap. Stop thinking you can change people, its like you convincing yourself that you will be happy with someone who exhibits your major deal breakers or red flags.

Here are the things you will want to do to set your dating life up for success:

  • Step out of your comfort zone
  • Find new ways to date: apps aren’t everything.
  • You can still find dates IRL:speed dating, friends of friends, be open to approaching people i.e. the attractive person at the bar or bookstore, try new things and find hobbies, you never know who you might meet, going out during the day in social settings.
  • Don’t be afraid to redefine your approach.  For example, rely on chemistry if you usually are the type of person to build lists, tests, and need multiple dates to make a decision or take your time if you are the type of person that rushes into things.

The co-hosts close the episode with their top tip for finding love and the right relationship this year.

Ep 28 – Me Too: A Series

In this episode we will give a recap of the movement behind me too and how people who have suffered in silence for years are finally comfortable to speak out against the injustices committed against them. We were inspired by Time Person of the Year 2017: The Silence Breakers. You can read the full article here: http://time.com/time-person-of-the-year-2017-silence-breakers/

 

Lina D and Westley open the episode and talk about why they wanted to create a series around Me Too. Maddie and Niko talk about why they are excited to be guests on this episode and why they think this topic is important.

 

These are the other topics covered in this episode:

  • Co-hosts share their experiences with assault or harassment and highlight what they did to deal with it
  • Touch on points of view heard from others that we disagree with
  • What can we do to create safer spaces
  • Our views on how we can continue to push change

 

This is our last episode of 2017. We wish you happy holidays and a very happy new year. Can’t wait to come back in 2018!

Ep 27 – Tis’ The Season To Be Cuffin’

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Oh baby it’s December and it’s finally getting cold outside. Friends have started to come up with reasons to stay in, and you would rather not netflix and chill all by your lonesome. Instead, you have revamped your Tinder profile and are looking to get booed up until April. Join the NFD crew as they discuss the cuffin’ season phenomenon and dig a layer deeper to investigate some of the reasons why you could have a fear commit to a relationship.

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Show Notes:

If you don’t know what cuffing season is then listen to this episode! Cuffing season is when people start looking for someone they can spend long, frigid months with but aren’t exactly looking for a relationship. Our favorite definition is from Urban Dictionary:

“During the Fall and Winter months people who would rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

You can find more information in this link:

https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/what-is-cuffing-season.html

Brock talks about some of the differences that may exist geographically and also provides clues of how you can tell that cuffing season is coming. Technically, the sole purpose of the season is to be with someone during the cold weather, so of course different parts of the country will be affected differently.

To access the visuals we discuss in the episode follow this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/06/cuffing-season-guide_n_5941574.html

Westley, Brock, and Lina D share their experiences with cuffing season. Westley’s has witnessed the timing work out while dating on Tinder- lots of interest starting in October and a lack of interest by April. Lina D talks about her winter time break ups. And Brock reveals how he never really knew the correct definition of cuffing season. While he tends to seriously date when it’s cold, he has never gone into an arrangement where there is an expiration date

In the NYC area, this year has been a harder cuffing season. Summer like days have randomly popped up and it has been a lot warmer than we expect in November and December. The warmer days make it harder for people to fall into the cuffing season mood.  Could it be that this irregular weather could have people wondering if they can potentially be ready for a serious relationship instead of going through with the cuffing season phenomena?

For those that are on the fence, we wanted to give you some advice to help you decide whether or not you are ready to commit. The first thing you want to do is Identify if YOU have commitment issues. Often times we are ready to judge others without understanding how we feel.

Here are the possible signs that you are afraid of commitment:

  1. Making excuses: you are unreliable and often late. You end up agreeing to arrangements but start to look for excuses almost immediately to avoid going. You will end good relationships for the smallest of reasons, and when faced with commitment you withdraw emotionally and start finding faults.
  2. Move way too quickly too fast: you have short, intense and passionate relationships that burn out as quickly as they started. You commit too quickly which usually leads to crash and burn.
  3. You chase romantic partners who are unattainable
  4. You think that you can change the other person even though they don’t completely meet the criteria of what you want in a relationship.

Here is our advice for overcoming your commitment issues

  1. Determine what it is that you are really afraid of and is holding you back from commiting:
    1. Are you scared of getting hurt again? Let go of any past hurt, understand that your fear is irrational and can only control you for as long as you let it
    2. Is it fear of rejection?
    3. Perhaps fear of losing your freedom?
    4. Once you find it, don’t be afraid to take a risk
  2. Date only when you’re happy with yourself and feel 100% ready, or you’ll only attract the wrong relationships
    1. Focus on selfcare
    2. Draw from your positive energy and stop being reliant on others
  3. Vet the person with the right intentions
    1. Don’t just give your number out or accept dates unless you are genuinely interested
    2. Take your time dating someone and make sure you have shared values and aligned ambitions
  4. Don’t overthink things, but pay attention to your instincts
  5. Be open with your partner about how you feel

Make sure that you have gone through the process above before you rush into a relationship. If you are going through something difficult in your life, you might be more likely to rush into something that isn’t healthy for you. Beware of triggers from good and bad events. For example: the death of a loved one, seeing your family and friends go through new beginnings that are on a different timeline from where you stand in your life such as marriage and birth/adoption of kids. You especially want to watch out and steer clear from rushing into a relationship after a bad breakup or heartbreak.

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Ep 26 – The Barber Shop

💈The Barber Shop is here💈
Barber shop: n. hang out area to get your haircut and talk to other men about your problems, listen to good music, and if you go to a good barber shop laugh up a storm.
Listen to our guests Neeko and Chedd shoot their barber shop talk with Westley and Brock. They talk who pays💸, masturbation✌🏽, dating apps old and new🤳🏾, and more! This is an episode you don’t want to miss.

Ep 25 – Chicas Chat

Chicas Chat is here‼
Chica: n. Spanish word used for badass women you are proud to have in your circle
No Free Drinks is psyched to drop this episode! Listen to our guests Ari @theitis_yall, Jess, and Maddie share their points of view on the real shit that just happens. Lina D and our guests discuss their differing points of view on celibacy, who pays, sex toys, masturbation, basic texting, and more! This is an episode you don’t want to miss.

 

Ep 24 – The First Date Conundrum

Westley opens the episode and goes in on his point of view on who he thinks should be paying for the first date.  Westley’s viewpoint is egalitarian, “in one voice you cannot say you are independent, and in the same breath say that you know your worth and need for a man to pay for you.” Westley does not mind paying, but he won’t buy the argument that he is expected to pay because men typically make more than a woman. That point of view only furthers the reason as to why he says that people should treat each other as equals.

For once Brock and Westley actually disagree on a point of view. Brock thinks that guy always pays on the first date, partly driven because it is expected based on the “who asks pays rule.” Seldom do women ask men on dates, so by default the guy has to pay. Once he is dating someone steady, he doesn’t mind paying for most things but if it is expected that I pay for everything every time then it is a huge turn-off. Brock is more traditional once he is in a relationship where the guy spoils his girlfriend.

Lina D talks about how she has played all sides of the paying spectrum, and her point of view has changed throughout her dating life. Lina D has taken advantage of guys that have the notion that they are expected to pay even though she had no intentions of taking it further. Lina D has accepted the guy paying, but has been playful about it and was upfront about her financial situation. Other times, she has had the conversation to get a sense of whether they are equals and has gladly offered to go dutch without communicating that she wasn’t interested. And another time she was so into the person and the date that she doesn’t even remember who paid for what on the first date, nor did she care. In recent years she’s grown to be more equitable and has left her “he needs to pay expectations” in the dust.

After going through their points of view and debating, the co-hosts go through specific scenarios that are widely discussed on who pays for the first date. This was inspired by the Refinery 29 article, What Millennial Women REALLY Think About Splitting The Check.

 

  1. Scenario 1: One party does all the asking, planning, and paying. Whoever initiated the date should pay
  2. Scenario 2: Splitting the bill is an old-fashioned, chivalrous gesture. Men should always offer to pay the bill. Splitting the bill is a total romance kill. Offering to split the bill is polite, but ultimately he should refuse and pay
  3. Scenario 3: The man always pays
  4. Scenario 4: We both have our own money so we go dutch aka 50/50

 

As they go through these scenarios they also cover the most common unspoken implications that result from the payment actions. When it comes to relationships, there are many ways people approach it, and honestly it comes down to what works for your relationship.

Westley, Lina D, and Brock wanted to make sure that they incorporated other people’s points of view as a wrap for the episode.  They selected a few points of view from this article and have provided a summary below for easy reference.  For the full article, go here.

 

Dating Coach: Modern men should do things old school.

“a man should always pay for dinner and drinks on the first date. This is an attractive gesture, and it will leave the girl’s sense of ‘doing the right thing’ intact.”

Kezia Noble, dating coach and expert,

Sex Blogger: Go 50/50 every time.

“If someone wants a second date they have to pay their share on the first – and let me pay my share too. When guys try to pay it’s often deeply awkward: I offer to pay half, he insists, I get frustrated because I earn my own damn money and I can spend it how I like – then he continues to insist and I feel patronised. Leave expensive treats for when you know each other better.”

The Girl on the Net, London-based blogger and writer on all things sex

Glamour Girl: A man’s gotta spend to impress a girl.

“The man should pay, of course. If I had to pay or go halves, that would put me off a man. I would be like, “What?!””

Danielle Mason, actress, model and TV personality

Porn Star: Insist on going all the way, fellas.

“I think that the girl should always offer to split the bill and the man should insist on paying all of it.”

Harriett Sugarcookie, adult performer, model, lifestyle blogger

The Academic: Don’t try to buy a woman.

“The question of payment on a first [heterosexual] date has its roots in notions of chivalry, which itself is rooted in male economic and social power. Chivalry involves rituals of men treating women with an elaborate regard and politeness, which serves to mask the fact that men dominate the public sphere and have social and economic power over women as a class. I would remind men that women are human beings to be respected, not commodities to be purchased.”

Dr Julia Long, Lecturer in Sociology at Anglia Ruskin University, expert in feminist theory and practice

Ep 23 – Beyond the ‘Kk’

Westley, Lina D, and Brock want to give you useful advice for those moments when dating brings you awkward conversation. This episode is for those people that think they suck at texting, find themselves overthinking text conversations, and have no idea about proper sexting and drunk texting etiquette.

We start out by going through some basic texting principles and critiquing texting interactions that went wrong.  We only focus on three examples but you can find other trainwreck conversations here.  

 

Example 1:

You: Kk have a good night
Him: Haha ‘good’

Evaluation: Dude what are you doing? She was trying to end the conversation on a good note and you went on and made it awkward. This reminded us of when you should start sending “good morning vs. good afternoon vs. goodnight” texts. Timing is important but be prepared to add some value to the conversation i.e. sending a cool article or funny meme, and don’t just text a salutation because some people won’t find it flattering.  

Example 2:

You: How’s your Saturday going? Still hungover?
Him: Nope! Just walking my dog around the park! He loves playing with the other puppies! So excited for brunch later!!!!! **emojis**

Evaluation: In this example, the woman is thinking of writing him off because he is coming off as “overly friendly” and may potentially be gay and extra. Oh please, at this point you are splitting hairs and making something out of nothing. He is simply answering your question. You better go on a date to make sure this is someone you should be really writing off.

Example 3:

He always sends last minute texts to make plan and/or has already cancelled on you a few times.  You aren’t sure if this is someone that is genuinely busy or a potentially huge asshole.

Evaluation: This could actually go both ways and you will need to play the role of detective and pay attention to cues to make the right decision. There are guys out there that are genuinely busy given their jobs and commitments and may not know till the last minute that they are available. If you are interested and are actually available then you should go on the date to rule out whether this is someone you see yourself dating consistently. But Brock does warn that there are some general red flags to look out for, as some guys may just be trying to get in your pants and get some cheeks. Listen to get the full guide on how to deal with this situation.

 

The NFD co-hosts go through some other do’s and don’ts for texting.

  1. Don’t: Start your message with “hey beautiful,” “hey sexy,” or even worse, “hey girl.”
  2. Don’t: Use a stupid pickup line
  3. Don’t: Read too much into it
  4. Don’t: Not say anything
  5. Do: Compliment something specific about my appearance
  6. Do: Try to come up with something witty based off my profile, or point out shit we have in common
  7. Do: Ask me what I’m up to tonight/this weekend

They also touch on response timing rules, tips for keeping the conversation going, and touch on length of the texts.

Lina D does advocate for certain situations where drunk texting can be useful but she gives you a rundown of the do’s and don’ts in this situation. Brock talks about how it should depend on the state of your relationship, whether you are transitioning from flirting/dating to exclusive, considering emotional outpouring, and if you regrets things the next morning.

Sexting- oh man. For this one Brock says to make sure you keep your face out of the nudes you are sending. Lina D does not understand why some dudes are so hesitant about sending dick pics during sexting convos, especially if the woman is asking for one. Brock reveals that he never sends a dick pic, which sends Lina D on a mission to tell women to stop sending nudes if the guy is refusing to send you nudes. Brock disagrees.

Ep 22 – The Porn Identity

The episode kicks off with Westley’s story of how he discovered porn. Lina D shares some of the similarities between her experience and Westley’s before Brock dives into the stats of how much people watch porn.

According to the Esquire article, in 2016, people watched a grand total of 92 billion videos on Pornhub, clocking in 23 billion total visits to the site and 5 billion hours of porn, enough to last over 5,000 centuries. The U.S. was the biggest consumer of porn in the world, with 221 pageviews per person, beating 2015’s 191 views per American. More men watch porn than women, with the stats showing that 90% of men and 40% of women watch porn regularly.

There are many articles that speculate that porn has detrimental effects, but other studies mention that the effects of porn are still undecided. Learn more reading this article. Scientists have started to tease out the effects of porn on the brain but there’s still a lot they don’t understand. For example, they are unsure if there are long-term effects of porn on young viewers. Joseph J. Plaud, a private, clinical forensic psychologist in Boston, Massachusetts, is one of the scientist who has studied the effects of pornography. Some of the interesting points he has found is, “the more you do and the greater degree of access, the more explicit [it is], you seem to need more and more.”

Other studies have found that men who viewed porn tended to hold more egalitarian views about women than did non-porn-using men. Frequent porn users view powerful women, working women and women who have had abortions more favorably than do other men, a study published in August in the Journal of Sex Research found. This is an interesting finding, even though Lina D and Brock found that the methods used to get this conclusion might be questionable.

Lina D then talks about the more popular types of porn watched. Porn hub does a year in review that dives into the global trends of what people have watched.  There is an abridged version here, which is what discussed in the episode. But if you want to see more of the trends, you can access the full report here.

 

For couples who might be interested in watching porn together, Westley and Lina D talk about their experiences watching porn together. They recommend being open in communication about the types of porn you each would be open to watching, and approach it openly. Think of it as a fun experience you can both share. These are some other tips that Westley and Lina D share:

  • Focus on making it sexy for each other, think about how it will bring you closer together or turn you on. Talk to each other about what is turning you on as you watch porn together can also help you stay connected and in tune with each other.
  • Don’t Compare Yourselves to Porn Stars- also as a woman don’t get jealous of the porn star
  • Porn is great to spice things up but keep in mind that it won’t help resolve all your relationship issues on its own.
  • When watching porn with your partner, remember that they can still watch porn on their own. Do not violate your partner’s privacy by checking their porn watching history without them knowing.
  • Don’t watch porn every time you have sex.

Westley, Brock, and Lina D wrap up the episode by calling out some lesser known facts about porn. You can find the full lists here: 25 Shocking Facts and 25 Facts About the Adult Film

  • 20% of American men admit they access pornography at work which coincides with Sex Tracker’s findings of 70% of all internet porn traffic occurring during the work day (9am – 5pm)
  • 10% of adults admit to legitimately have an online porn addiction
  • Porn controls digital media. A great example was VHS. Before everyone was on board with VHS, Betamax was fighting tooth and nail for control. Porn chose to use VHS tapes as its’ main source of distribution and the rest is history. Same can be said for Blu-Ray and HD-DVD. Porn chose the former and now you can buy HD-DVD’s for a dollar.

Ep 21 – Ménage à Moi (Part 2)

Our first episode (Ménage à Moi (Part 1)) about masturbation focused on the state of masturbation in the U.S. and we interviewed a sex therapist about the cultural viewpoints on masturbation.  In this episode we talk about the history of masturbation and give our personal stories with masturbation.

 

There is a lot of interesting history on masturbation.  One of the most interesting stories we found has to do with Atum and ancient Egypt. You can learn more about the story here.  

“There was Atum, the creator God and main deity of the Egyptian pantheon, who existed by himself. He was surrounded by nothingness, so he decided to put an end to his long solitude and created the world and the rest of the Egyptian gods through masturbation. From his ejaculation emerged the first pair of twin gods, Shu (air god) and Tefnut (moisture goddess). Atum’s semen was the origin of the world, and masturbation the act of creation.” This is the myth of creation according to Egyptian cosmogony.
“Ancient Egyptians were strongly convinced that their main source of livelihood had come from Atum’s ejaculation, and it was their duty to keep it alive. Pharaohs would perform a ceremony to thank their main god, which involved masturbating at the riverbank and making sure that the semen followed the flow of the river’s waters. This was seen as a good omen and a sign of the continuing life cycle, fertility, and the universal order, which would also follow their own course.”

 

This wouldn’t be the last time we would see masturbation come up in history. Unfortunately, the next run in with masturbation would not be as sex-positive.  Lina D talks about her findings of how masturbation was perceived by society in the Victorian age.  You can read more here.  

Based on Judeo-Christian tradition, masturbation was seen as sinful, mostly due to the mandate to “be fruitful and multiply.” Since masturbation does not lead to procreation, it was frowned upon. In fact, Catholic theologian St. Thomas Aquinas believed that masturbation was a worse sin than rape, incest, and adultery, because in these other sins procreation is a possibility.

“During the Victorian age, masturbation was thought to lead to impaired morals, depression, social failure, epilepsy, tuberculosis, blindness, insanity, sterility, and early death.”

“Since masturbation was thought to be so dangerous, many “cures” were developed to eliminate its practice. Men of the time were encouraged to wear straightjacket pajamas or erection alerts to discourage handling of the penis. Some would wear a little suit of armor that would fit over the penis and testicles. Others wore a spermatorrhea ring. Available from the Sears catalogue, these rings fit along the base of the penis with spikes on its inner lining to prevent erection. As a last resort, some chronic masturbators had their foreskin stapled shut, or were castrated. In the nineteenth century, John Kellogg invented cornflakes as one part of a diet that he felt would lessen the sex drive and diminish the practice of masturbation.”

 

Westley then talks about how things have not necessarily gotten better. He tells us the Pee Wee Herman story. In 1991 he was arrested for allegedly masturbating in an X-rated movie theater. He became the object of numerous jokes, his show was pulled off the air, and his handprints and star were taken off the sidewalk of Hollywood Boulevard. In another modern day masturbation nightmare, Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders stated that since masturbation was safe and healthy, it should be mentioned in school health curricula. People misinterpreted her statements to say that she thought students should be taught how to masturbate. Due to public outcry, President Clinton fired her in 1994.

 

Westley, Brock, and Lina D transition to share their personal experiences with masturbation.  They talk about how they came to start masturbating.  Experiences are diverse from individual and social interactions with learning more about masturbation. However, all three co-hosts talk about their experience of not being able to turn to anyone in their household to learn more or to get their questions answered. Traditionally, in Caribbean and Latino households, masturbation is not something that is openly discussed.

 

In talking about her experience exploring masturbation, Lina D finds and discusses an interesting report from the University of Michigan’s Development and Behavior Resources program. It states that kids start discovering their genitals and self-pleasure at a very young age, on the average of 6 years young.

 

The co-hosts point out some other interesting things about masturbating for men and women.  You can read more in these articles: other reasons why women should masturbate and other reasons why men should masturbate.

 

This is the summary of the reasons the co-hosts discussed:

  1. Masturbation makes you happier
  2. Masturbation improves your sex life
  3. Masturbation prevents postmenopausal sex difficulties
  4. Some studies even suggest that the frequency of masturbation increases with a person’s frequency of intercourse, especially in women.
  5. For men, masturbation may improve a man’s fertility, as ejaculation flushes out the old, less motile sperm left behind in the urethra.
  6. Masturbation may even lower a man’s chance of getting prostate cancer.

 

Lina D, Brock, and Westley wrap up the episode by sharing their favorite to do’s when masturbating.