Westley opens the episode and goes in on his point of view on who he thinks should be paying for the first date. Westley’s viewpoint is egalitarian, “in one voice you cannot say you are independent, and in the same breath say that you know your worth and need for a man to pay for you.” Westley does not mind paying, but he won’t buy the argument that he is expected to pay because men typically make more than a woman. That point of view only furthers the reason as to why he says that people should treat each other as equals.
For once Brock and Westley actually disagree on a point of view. Brock thinks that guy always pays on the first date, partly driven because it is expected based on the “who asks pays rule.” Seldom do women ask men on dates, so by default the guy has to pay. Once he is dating someone steady, he doesn’t mind paying for most things but if it is expected that I pay for everything every time then it is a huge turn-off. Brock is more traditional once he is in a relationship where the guy spoils his girlfriend.
Lina D talks about how she has played all sides of the paying spectrum, and her point of view has changed throughout her dating life. Lina D has taken advantage of guys that have the notion that they are expected to pay even though she had no intentions of taking it further. Lina D has accepted the guy paying, but has been playful about it and was upfront about her financial situation. Other times, she has had the conversation to get a sense of whether they are equals and has gladly offered to go dutch without communicating that she wasn’t interested. And another time she was so into the person and the date that she doesn’t even remember who paid for what on the first date, nor did she care. In recent years she’s grown to be more equitable and has left her “he needs to pay expectations” in the dust.
After going through their points of view and debating, the co-hosts go through specific scenarios that are widely discussed on who pays for the first date. This was inspired by the Refinery 29 article, What Millennial Women REALLY Think About Splitting The Check.
- Scenario 1: One party does all the asking, planning, and paying. Whoever initiated the date should pay
- Scenario 2: Splitting the bill is an old-fashioned, chivalrous gesture. Men should always offer to pay the bill. Splitting the bill is a total romance kill. Offering to split the bill is polite, but ultimately he should refuse and pay
- Scenario 3: The man always pays
- Scenario 4: We both have our own money so we go dutch aka 50/50
As they go through these scenarios they also cover the most common unspoken implications that result from the payment actions. When it comes to relationships, there are many ways people approach it, and honestly it comes down to what works for your relationship.
Westley, Lina D, and Brock wanted to make sure that they incorporated other people’s points of view as a wrap for the episode. They selected a few points of view from this article and have provided a summary below for easy reference. For the full article, go here.
Dating Coach: Modern men should do things old school.
“a man should always pay for dinner and drinks on the first date. This is an attractive gesture, and it will leave the girl’s sense of ‘doing the right thing’ intact.”
Kezia Noble, dating coach and expert,
Sex Blogger: Go 50/50 every time.
“If someone wants a second date they have to pay their share on the first – and let me pay my share too. When guys try to pay it’s often deeply awkward: I offer to pay half, he insists, I get frustrated because I earn my own damn money and I can spend it how I like – then he continues to insist and I feel patronised. Leave expensive treats for when you know each other better.”
The Girl on the Net, London-based blogger and writer on all things sex
Glamour Girl: A man’s gotta spend to impress a girl.
“The man should pay, of course. If I had to pay or go halves, that would put me off a man. I would be like, “What?!””
Danielle Mason, actress, model and TV personality
Porn Star: Insist on going all the way, fellas.
“I think that the girl should always offer to split the bill and the man should insist on paying all of it.”
Harriett Sugarcookie, adult performer, model, lifestyle blogger
The Academic: Don’t try to buy a woman.
“The question of payment on a first [heterosexual] date has its roots in notions of chivalry, which itself is rooted in male economic and social power. Chivalry involves rituals of men treating women with an elaborate regard and politeness, which serves to mask the fact that men dominate the public sphere and have social and economic power over women as a class. I would remind men that women are human beings to be respected, not commodities to be purchased.”
Dr Julia Long, Lecturer in Sociology at Anglia Ruskin University, expert in feminist theory and practice