Episode Archives

Ep 41 – Me Too: No More Domestic Violence

The next episode of our Me Too series is here. The beginning of this year has highlighted that domestic violence is sadly still plaguing homes. We wanted to talk about the different ways domestic violence takes a toll on homes and individuals and highlight how pervasive of an issue this is across society.

We reference a video and a movie in this episode, if you listened and want to check it out, the links to view it or learn more are here:

What Would You Do – Domestic Violence and Abuse in PUBLIC! (Social Experiment)

Crazy in Alabama

 

We open the episode by discussing the different types of domestic violence and sharing some of our experiences.

The different types of abuse:

  • Physical: You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse
  • Emotional: You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through
  • Sexual:  Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:
  • Reproductive: Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
  • Financial: Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner
  • Digital: Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

 

We found a visual that helps understand the various dimensions of abuse and how someone could be experiencing either one or more types at the same time. Visit the link to learn more.

We take a look at domestic violence trends:

  • Globally, men who are exposed to domestic violence as children are 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate acts of domestic violence as adults than men who weren’t.
  • Homicide is one of the leading causes of death for women aged ≤44 years.* In 2015, homicide caused the death of 3,519 girls and women in the United States. Rates of female homicide vary by race/ethnicity (1), and nearly half of victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner

We also cover off on some of the biased points of view that are held when it comes to domestic violence:

  • Societies willful ignorance: “It’s understandable what she means there, but perhaps it’s time our society started to think of physical abuse, possessiveness and men’s entitlement to act in those ways toward women as terroristic, violent and radical.”
  • Men are victims too: We found how limited resources are for men that have experienced domestic violence. There are a lot of staggering facts, and we spend time talking about this topic because it is important to note that domestic violence can impact anyone and all victims should all be able to get help. Read more here. We highlighted the ones we found most surprising below.
  • Almost half (48.8 percent) of all men have dealt with some sort of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. This number is equal to women at 48.4 percent.
  • Nearly 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner to the point they were scared for their life or safety or the lives or safety of loved ones.
  • An estimated 10.4 percent or approximately 11.7 million men in the U.S. have reported having an intimate partner get or attempt to get pregnant when the male partner didn’t agree to it.
  • About 2 in 5 gay and bisexual men will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

It is important to know that you can get help, and as someone that wants to make a change, know you can also donate your time to help others.

  • There are national and local organizations to get help if you or someone you know are victims of domestic violence
  • If you’re not most of these organizations are always looking for volunteers or donations so if you have the time please give your time or money

Ep 40 – No Means No

What role does the incident involving Aziz Ansari and Grace play in the #MeToo movement? Now that the story has been out for a few weeks the No Free Drinks crew revisits this controversial topic and peels back the different layers that contributed to what occurred. At the center, the words “no means no” and the acknowledgement of these words holds the key to preventing situations like this to happen.

“The worst night of my life,” assault, bad date- are some of the many references that have been used to describe the story published by babe.net. There are many different angles to discuss and this episode is meant to talk about the deeper points that are highlighted by this incident. We will go through the different events of the night, discuss our points of view, and ultimately dissect how interactions when dating and different ways of communicating can lead to confusion that could result in someone getting hurt.

Let’s talk about Aziz, below is a word for word recap of the events of the night that we think are important to talk about:

The story of Grace:

  • Where the first red flag was: In a second, his hand was on my breast.” Then he was undressing her, then he undressed himself. She remembers feeling uncomfortable at how quickly things escalated.
  • When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” She says he then resumed kissing her, briefly performed oral sex on her, and asked her to do the same thing to him. She did, but not for long. “It was really quick. Everything was pretty much touched and done within ten minutes of hooking up, except for actual sex.”
  • “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”
  • she says she used verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was. “Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,” she said. “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”
  • “I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said.
  • At this point she thought the sexual encounter was over
  • “He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable.”
  • “He [made out] with me again and says, ‘Doesn’t look like you hate me.’”
  • ‘How about we just chill, but this time with our clothes on?’”
  • “I remember saying, ‘You guys are all the same, you guys are all the fucking same.’”
  • He hugged her and kissed her goodbye, another “aggressive” kiss.
  • “I cried the whole ride home. At that point I felt violated. That last hour was so out of my hand.”

The sequence of these events led to various conversations and revealed different points of view.  This articlefrom the Lily does a good job of exploring different points of view. Maddie, Westley, and Lina D picked the ones that resonated the most with them and discuss.

 

  1. Erica Linebacker Hoffmeister: “I do think there’s a place for this experience in a DIFFERENT conversation. How women feel like we owe men something sexually, how elusive consent can feel, how strange it is we sometimes lose our confident voices in sexual situations, how complex sex is emotionally even when we go in with different expectations … all of those issues deserve a platform in the feminist discussion. I can relate. And it’s problematic and f — ked up. But this is an account of a gross, regrettable situation that could have turned out terrible. This particular account is not ASSAULT. How can we find our voices as women, and become sexually positive and confident, and STOP sexual assault with accusations like these that minimize and trivialize the whole movement and bring us steps backward?”
  2. Quinn Biscoff: “I think it opens up important discussions that men need to listen more and women need to talk more. A massive cultural change is hopefully taking place.
  3. Anita Cake: “To me, a large degree of assault is about intent. Did Aziz intend to hurt this girl or was he genuinely not picking up on her nonverbal cues? Should he be punished for what he did or be allowed to learn from it? That’s where I’m stuck.”
  4. Brittany Cliffe: “She refused him multiple times, both verbally and physically showing her discomfort, and he continued to pursue her and physically touch her. He did not ask for consent (other than ‘Where should I f — k you?’), and she never gave consent to any of those actions. THAT’S ASSAULT. … Coercion is NOT consent.”

As we continue the conversation we come to a controversial but important question, “does no ever NOT mean no?” Examples are cited by men and women alike where there is an element of playing hard to get. We also discuss Maddie’s story with Jim and the fine lines that exist between persistence and harassment.

We had so much to talk about in this episode and we went longer than we were anticipating. We will be releasing another episode in the future to talk about toxic masculinity and what we need to do better to avoid these situations.

Ep 39 – Swipe Right For Aggressive

This episode is here to keep unacceptable online behavior in check! Have you experienced aggressive behavior when you are on dating apps or sites? It happens way to frequently and we want to bring awareness to it, give advice to those who have experienced it, and confront those who think it is normal to be aggressive online.

 

We didn’t want to perpetuate gender biases so we looked up information to understand who is experiencing aggressive behaviors with online dating. This study from Binghamton finds that men are more aggressive on online dating sites and have certain behaviors that are distinct to males. Men tend to be focused on their own interests and are usually oblivious toward their attractiveness to potential dates, while females are more conscious of their own attractiveness.

While the study was interesting, we also wanted to understand people’s experiences. We came to the conclusion that aggressive online dating habits are so commonplace that people have performed experiments to showcase the types of reactions they encounter. Below you will find links and images of the types of responses we found. We discuss these in the episode, but we wanted to provide you the links to raise awareness and bring to life the disturbing aspects of online dating.

  • Man who posed as a woman i.e. reddit user
  • An account from user “Too Afraid”: I received death threats 4rm a man I met on POF, after I spoke w him several times over the cell. I cancelled meeting him & he sent me at least 20 very threatening & disgusting text msg. One was a sex act, one a pic of his bowel movement. He said he will find me & kill me. He’s a phychopath & my gun stays w me now at all times. I thank God I didn’t meet this phyco, I have filed a police report & saved the text msgs. I blocked him after the texts wouldn’t stop. I’ve spoken w several men & when I felt they weren’t the one I moved on as did they. Women please please b careful – have the long talks letting them talk more – they will tell u all u need without knowing. Follow ur gut. I never spoke about sex w this freak but he accused me of playing sex games. One pic was a woman’s butt filled w sperm he said “eat my cum out her ass bitch” “die bitch” “I will find u & kill u” …Terrifying that I met someone straight out a serial killer movie or criminal minds. He even sat on a xerox machine & sent a pic of that. I hope he gets locked up. Mind u this man “seemed ” normal until I stopped talking to him.

 

Maddie and Lina D share their experiences with aggressive behaviors. Westley talks about how he believes the behavior is wrong and gives us his advice from a male point of view.  

There is a pattern with these aggressive interactions, here is a high level view:

  1. Men say Hi and after getting a response steer the conversation to be overly sexual without prompting
  2. Leads to women ignoring messages that are not well thought out
  3. Men blame the women

We discuss our questions to the overly aggressive guy:

  • Why do the conversations become sexual so fast?
  • Why are you in a rush?
  • Do you not care about being seen as a creep?
  • Do you want to stay alone?
  • You know I can just block you right?

To close the episode, we give advice to what should be done when this behavior is encountered and we go after those overly aggressive guys with our words. Stop! You know we can block you right?

Ep 38 – Momma Always Said

We continue to celebrate the women that inspire us, and this week we dedicate this episode to our mommas! Whether you consider your mom your best friend, or whether she drives you crazy, OR both, moms hold a special place in our hearts. They have shaped who we are and not matter what we always remember their advice. Get to know us a bit better by listening to what momma always said to us.

 

Moms always give their advice and opinions on how they see life. Whether its cultural norms around dating, relationships, or career-related, these points of view were beaten into our heads. Some advice we took and it shaped who we are today, other pieces of advice we chose not to and it was okay because we are still amazing people!

Each co-host talks about their cultural background and highlights most important things their families brought up when they were growing up. Some of the topics that were the most popular topics where: dating & sex, gender roles, and career.

When it came to dating, relationships, and sex our mothers always turned to religion to explain why this topic shouldn’t even be worth our attention. And the most common thing momma said, “you have to wait until you are married.”

We discuss gender roles, and how actions from family reinforced certain gender stereotypes. Maddie describes how Haitian culture is very patriarchal, and that women were taught to be domestic. Momma always said, “no man will ever marry you if you can’t [insert domestic activity here].”

When it came to careers we learned that the approach between our families varied. For Lina D, momma always said, “education is key.” Whereas Westley and Maddie would always hear that they could only pursue a career that “brought honor to the family.”

We get into other nitty gritties of our childhood and what it was like growing up Latinx and Haitian. To close the episode we talk about our favorite pieces of advice that we would keep and pass down to younger siblings, friends, future children, and other loved ones.

Ep 37 – Press For Progress

Our tribute to the badass women that have made things happen, that haven’t taken no for an answer, and that refuse to be tied down to the norm. March is Women’s History Month and tomorrow, March 8th, is International Women’s Day.

Do you know the history behind International Women’s Day started? International Women’s Day grew out of the labour movement to become a UN-recognised annual event, The first activism tied to the movement happened in 1908 when 15,000 women marched through New York City demanding shorter working hours, better pay and the right to vote. It took time for the day to be officially celebrated, but in 1911 Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland became the first countries to celebrate. 2018 marks the 107th celebration.

Today is a day to celebrate how far women have come in society, politics and economics, and indirectly raise awareness of continued inequality. In our tribute to international women’s day- we talk about how women have been making strides in history to gradually change the game in normally male dominated spaces- particularly those related to sex and sexuality.

You know we always have to get into the history. We wanted to pinpoint the event that offset women’s sexual revolution. The revolution started with the launch of the 1st birth control pill, enovid went on market in 1960. The pill was a game changer because it was the first time women had a reliable way to exercise reproductive control over their own body without needing their sexual partner’s consent. Within five years, 6 million American women were on the pill.

Some other interesting facts that quantify the impact of the pill and it’s contribution to the sexual revolution:

  • 1950s, six in ten women were virgins at marriage and 87 percent of American women believed that it was wrong for a woman to engage in premarital sex, even with “a man she is going to marry.
  • Only two in ten of them would be virgins at marriage.

That’s history, but it’s also many years ago. The sexual revolution continues to take place today. Maddie, Westley, and Lina D talk about the things they have noticed in our personal lives that embody what the sexual revolution means to us.

The NFD crew then talks about the male face of porn and discuss their points of view on what mainstream porn looks like- in a nutshell the main focus on male pleasure. Fortunately, there have been many women that have picked up on the biased perspective and have done something to change the dynamic in the industry.

Women noticed the biased perspective as early as the 1980’s and one of the pioneers in the porn industry was Candida Royalle, born on October 15, 1950 as Candice Marion Vadala. Her films showcased a woman’s perspective in a male dominated industry.  She made it a point to change the storyline depicted in porn, writing and producing films that were rooted in realistic demonstration of sex that could be enjoyed by men and women alike. She was a feminist, a businesswoman, and an activist. She influenced change, increase racial diversity in porn, and made porn more inclusive for women- consumers and creators alike, through her business platform.

Women continue to change the porn industry today.  Many porn stars and other sex workers believe that violence and sexual assault is an “occupational hazard” that comes with the job. Women are challenging the norm and starting their own porn production companies that create environments that are safer. Paulita Pappel is one of these women. She runs a by-women-for-women porn site, Ersties, that specializes in female-friendly sex.  Ersties is all about 100% real girls experiencing 100% real intimate moments. In this article she talks about how she doesn’t want to have to watch an adult film and wonder, “Does that woman on screen really want to be doing that?”

Westley, Lina D, and Maddie close the episode by talking about where we still can make progress.

Ep 36 – Black Love

We open this episode talking about our views on why black love is such a big deal to the black community. Representation matters and we can celebrate black love without putting down other relationships.

Role models are important and every community needs role models that can relate to their experience.  Unfortunately, political and social events have impacted the trends we see with black marriage and families. According to a Your Black World article, “only 45% of African-American households have a married couple, a contrast to 70% among Hispanics and 80% for Whites.” They also point out that in 1890, 80% of black households were comprised of both parents.  Over a century down the line, only 40% of African-American children stay in married-couple families.” Who is to blame?

Some perspectives out there are quick to blame the deterioration of black families on black communities themselves. However, we know that there are larger forces at play. The war on drugs and mass incarceration are major culprits.

We also debunk a couple of the myths concerning black marriage.  There is hope ladies! We have often heard, and Maddie has experienced that educated black women have it harder when it comes to finding a spouse. However, the facts show us that if you are educated, then your chances of finding a spouse are higher. According to this article, “among black women, 70% of college graduates are married by 40, whereas only about 60 percent of black high school graduates are married by that age.” The same trend is true for black men. “In 2008, 76% of black men with a college degree married by age 40, but only 63% of black men with just a high school diploma were married.” This data shows that education increases the likelihood of marriage for both African American men and women.

So with that good news, we talk about what black love looks like as depicted by some of our favorite shows growing up. We discuss our favorite memories and scenes from The Cosby Show and Family Matters, and even talk about Black-ish’s Bo and Dre. When it comes to iconic Black Couples we talk Will and Jada, Whitney and Bobby, and Oprah and Stedman. Each of these couples is iconic in their own way and we discuss what their image means for the culture. Of course we couldn’t help ourselves and we also talk black love in the context of the movie Black Panther. Spoiler alert is on deck, but don’t worry, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, we warn you when to stop listening!

Ep 35 – A Side Piece Has No Name

 

We wanted to talk about side pieces because we all hear stories of people not knowing where they stand with the person they are seeing. Most times it is because they are a side piece, but they just don’t know it. As glorified as the side piece culture has grown, many are still oblivious to the rules that come with stepping into that situationship. Part of what we want to achieve with this episode is to outline the red flags that come up when someone is caught in a side piece type of relationship.

We start the episode by sharing the rules of the side piece agreement. We found this article via Huffington Post written by Zondra Hughes, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for The Other Woman. It is a rule book of what to expect as the side piece in a situationship. Although it is originally written as rules for the woman, it can apply to anyone regardless of gender. These are the rules:

  1. You are the other person. This does not mean that you are the only other person. Act accordingly.
  2. Please focus on the stolen moments that we spend together. Do not concern yourself with my whereabouts when we are apart. Frankly speaking, my life outside of our time together is not your concern.
  3. Be comfortable with who you are to me; do not mention my significant other, as that person is not your concern. Do NOT compare yourself to my main partner in any way and do not attempt to contact them — to do so would be a breach of our agreement.
  4. Anticipate frequent changes in our plans; for the most part, a spur of the moment escape is the best that I can do.
  5. You must understand that maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each other’s company is vital to the success of our situationship. No bickering or nagging about promises that I didn’t keep.
  6. We are secret lovers; we can’t blast our situationship to the world. Please don’t tag me on Facebook, and don’t send me invitations to your work/family functions or events. Major holidays — more likely than not — will be missed.
  7. No discussions about “where this situationship is headed.” We are where we will be; together, in this moment. Enjoy it.
  8. Yes, I am still sleeping with my significant other, and we do not use condoms. Again, focus on our time together, and not what I do while we are apart.
  9. I am not interested in bringing a child into our situationship. By the way, an unplanned pregnancy will not force a relationship commitment of any kind from me nor will it guarantee a promotion to main status for you.
  10. There are no guarantees about the outcome of our situationship save one: I am a cheater at heart, and that won’t change unless I want it to. Until that happens, if you are promoted to the main, please know that yet another side piece will fill the vacancy that you’ve left behind.

Maddie, Lina D, and Westley share their points of view on side pieces and discuss the pros and cons of being a side piece. The most frustrating piece for Lina D is that certain people get into these situationships without acknowledging the consequences of the actions.  There is also an assumption that the nature of the relationship with morph into something that it is not.

Maddie talks about the misogyny of the side piece culture, and how “the definition of the side chick is usually dependent on the man’s control – she is the side chick because he has said she is. However, why do his terms and his terms alone get to define the relationship?” There are some interesting points made in this article. We also discuss how men are applauded for getting the girl while only having to deal with her part-time while her main deals with all the “hard” stuff. However, women are criticized for having a side piece.

Make sure you listen to this episode for this juicy conversation piece.

Ep 34 – Lets Talk About Firsts

The episode opens with an introduction of the new No Free Drinks co-host! You have heard them speak before, and they were a fan favorite. We are lucky to have this person back as a full-time co-host. No spoilers here so make sure you listen to the episode. After a re-introduction, our new co-host talks about the reasons they joined No Free Drinks.

And since the release of this episode coincides with Valentine’s Day, Lina D couldn’t help but to spend a little bit of time talking about the Hallmark holiday. Lina D grew up being a fan of el día del amor or the dia of love, and talks about what the day has meant to her. The rest of the NFD crew shares their experiences with Valentine’s Day and their views on the day.

So let’s talk about first dates! What does a first date look like anyway?

So let’s talk about first kisses! Whether you gave or were given the first kiss, it seems to be one of those experiences that can’t be forgotten.

So let’s talk about first time having sex! We save you the details of our experiences, but we do share the interesting stats about how teens are now more responsible when it comes to having sex: You can read the full article by CBS News.

The highlight is that the percentages of teenagers having sex have dropped since 1988. 42% of women aged 15 to 19 report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 51%. 44% of men in the same age group report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 60%. Another interesting point is that very few teens had their first experience of sexual intercourse with someone they “just met.” Only 2 percent of teen girls and 7 percent of teen boys reported doing so. Instead, nearly 75% of women and 51% of men reported that their first partner was someone that they were “going steady” with.

What are some of the factors that have led to more responsible behavior with having sex for the first time? We think it is closely related with how much more open we are as a society now than 20 years ago. But if you compare the U.S. to countries in Europe you will see that the U.S. is still more socially conservative. Being open and talking about sex has tangible benefits and there are places that do it better than the U.S. We highlight some of our favorites, and you can also read more in this article, “5 Countries That Do It Better: How Sexual Prudery Makes America a Less Healthy and Happy Place.”

This article highlights that countries that embrace the things that social conservatives detest- comprehensive sex education, pro-gay legislation, nude or topless beaches, legal or decriminalized prostitution, adult entertainment- tend to be countries that have less sexual dysfunction than the United States. If you compare the sexual attitudes in the United States to sexual attitudes in Western Europe, it becomes evident that there is a strong correlation between social conservatism and higher rates of teen pregnancy, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. More information is in the article but you can find the country highlights we talk about below:

  • Netherlands: Sex education starts at age 4, and it is a part of an educational event called “Spring Fever.” It is a week in primary schools focused on sex ed classes. 4 year olds learn about sexuality, 8 year olds learn about self-image and gender stereotypes, and 11 year olds discuss sexual orientation and contraceptive options.
  • Switzerland: Sex ed starts as early as kindergarten. Children ages 5-13 learn about “good touch/bad touch” and teachers are allowed to answer questions in an age appropriate manner.  From age 13 up the conversation shifts include discussions on the actual act, STI’s pregnancy, etc. Prostitution is legalized and federally regulated; besides your standard escort service and strip clubs there are sex clubs, massage parlors and sex boxes (designated areas where you can drive-in and get serviced)- this is an area where the U.S. has not become progressive.
  • France: In France, sex education has been part of school curricula since 1973. Schools are expected to provide 30 to 40 hours of sex education, and pass out condoms, to students in grades 8 and 9. In January 2000, the French government launched an information campaign on contraception with TV and radio spots and the distribution of five million leaflets on contraception to high school students.
  • Germany: As a country, they support comprehensive sex-ed programs, legal prostitution and same-sex civil unions before legalizing gay marriage in July of 2017. Sex ed classes can start as early as when the child is 5 years old (Berlin), some will wait a little longer starting in the 1st grade but at 8-9 years old, all children will have started the classes. They cover the process of growing up, bodily changes during puberty, emotions involved, the biological process of reproduction, sexual activity, partnership, homosexuality, unwanted pregnancies and the complications of abortion, the dangers of sexual violence, child abuse, and sex-transmitted diseases. It is comprehensive enough that it sometimes also includes information on sex positions and the correct usage of contraception.

Let’s talk about other firsts! The NFD co-hosts share stories on their first time having an orgasm, first time buying a sex toy, and first oral experiences- giving and receiving.

Ep 33 – Dating Apps In Color

We have talked about dating, dating apps, but we haven’t specifically talked about how race or ethnicity plays a role in dating. Many people claim to be open minded about who they choose to date, but a view of OkCupid’s dating stats tell a different story. We dive into the story behind the numbers.

OkCupid has released United States based dating statistics by race.  This is based on their user base. You can find more details in the article here. We have all heard and seen cases where dating apps aren’t friendly to people of color and that finding the right match isn’t easy. There are some interesting trends if we compare 2009 to 2014. Reference the exhibits in the link above and find the 2009 chart labeled “OkCupid QuickMatch Scores.” There is a second chart with the same title for 2014.

First Westley and Brock go into the details of 2009:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women first and then White women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally
  • Latino men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • White men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • All men ranked Black women as least desirable

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women prefer White men first and then Asian men
  • Black women prefer Black men first, then White men
  • Latina women prefer Latino men first, then White men
  • White women prefer like White men first, then Latino men

Then we reviewed the trends in 2014:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women, then White women and now also consider dating Latina women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally, and now also consider dating Black women
  • Latino men reversed order and now prefer Latina women first, then Asian women, and then White women
  • White men reversed their top two and prefer Asian women first, then White women, and then Latina women
  • When it comes to men from other races/ ethnicities, they ranked Black women as their least preferred

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women reversed and now prefer Asian men, then White men
  • Black women prefer Black men only
  • Latina women prefer Latino men, then White men
  • White women prefer White men, then Latino men
  • Women’s racial preferences have gotten stronger since 2009- as in they are less likely to be open to date races and ethnicities different from their own.

Lina D, Westley, and Brock discuss their theories on why they think this trend has happened. Lina D goes into male privilege being a factor since women have to think about the situations they place themselves with dating and if they haven’t been explosed to other ethnicities growing up or they are not a part of their friendship cirlces- then they are less likely to feel safe surrounding themselves with diverse men when it comes to dating.

A note as you are reading these tables, the values in these tables are “preference above/below vs. the average.” Think of them as how people weigh race in deciding attraction. So, for example, latina women find latino men 18% more desirable than the average man.

Westley, Brock, and Lina D discuss what these trends say about dating for people of color.

The stats above make us think about the power of having apps that are specifically targeting communities of color. If people are already self selecting in the mainstream apps, would they have better results in finding their match on apps that cater to a specific ethnic group? We talk through some of the apps for people of color that are out there. And you can also read this great article to get another point of view. Between Westley, Brock, and Lina D there isn’t a wide spread use of the apps targeting people of color but Westley does share an interesting story about his experience with SoulSwipe. The other apps we talk about are: Bae, Meld, and MiCrush.

Since it seems that ultimately, people of color have a much smaller pool to choose from for dating, Brock talks about how he has opted to be more proactive about swiping when he is traveling abroad. Based on his experience, Brock gives his advice on what country you should be swiping in if you want to meet more diverse and open minded people. Brock’s advice is to go where your background and ethnicity is seen as unique. In his experience, those homogenous cultures reward being different unlike the U.S. In his last episode, Brock talks about his experience on dating apps in Zagreb, Croatia; Mexico City, Mexico; and all-inclusive resorts/cruises. He does warn you to do your research on the resort or cruise you select as lots are heavily skewed towards family and/or couples.

Lina D talks about the openness of men approaching her abroad vs. the U.S. and Westley has found that more women liked his profile while he was abroad than in the U.S.

The No Free Drinks co-host thank Brock for having played a role in starting the podcast and wish him luck in his future projects!

Ep 32 – All Balance

We start with recapping all the episodes in the wiser you toolkit:

  • Kicked off the year giving you advice on how you can change your approach to dating with Episode 29 Date to Win
  • A key for to establishing successful relationships which is hardly ever talked about, is being honest with your partner about expectations for the future. In Episode 30 Crash and Burn we talk about how to have a plan in the event your new partnership- cohabitation, domestic partnership, or marriage- goes south.
  • And last week we dedicated an episode to empower our community by giving them more actionable ways to manage their mental health in Episode 31 Woosah and Flow
  • If you haven’t checked these out yet make sure to do so!

 

Also have news to share which is directly tied to achieving balance.

 

We dive into our advice for achieving balance in your relationship

First things first- avoid compromising on the following: independence, other relationships, interests, self-esteem, and goals & aspirations.

Honesty is key. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do I actually want to date (generally speaking or a specific person) or am I using my busy schedule as an excuse? We covered this in episode 29 so let’s assume this person already wants to date
  • If I have a regular 9-5 job am I okay with dating someone who works long days, weekends, and/or is on call so he/she doesn’t have lots of time to see me?
  • Vice versa, am I willing to put in the work to date someone with a much freer schedule than mine?
  • Is location important to me? I.e. different city/ boro, state, long distance

Be honest with your partner and make sure you:

  • Have a conversation around time and commitments
  • The amount of time you can/want to devote to ‘us’ time
  • The amount of time your partner wants for ‘us’ time
  • Agree on a general plan for the amount of ‘us’ time you two will commit to
  • Even more important when the relationship is long distance

 

Time management for couples is very important.  Here is our advice:

  • Adjust your schedule accordingly
  • Prioritize current responsibilities
  • Reduce or eliminate some
  • Have a stand-in date night(s)
  • Integrate group activities in your schedule every now and then since time is limited and balancing your new partner with your friends may seem hard. This will also help your loved ones get to know your new partner.
  • Travel together- lets you both unwind and disconnect from everyone else